Why I'm not "just reaching out and talking about it": a delayed #WorldMentalHealthDay #ActuallyAutistic thread nobody asked for

1) Literally everyone is having a terrible time right now - it's hard to know what's normal, what's going to get a "we're all in the same boat" response, what's really "bad enough" and worth making a fuss about.

2) Anything that clearly isn't normal gets instantly filed under "too weird, too worrying, too intense to burden someone else with". Especially knowing that literally everyone else is already having a terrible time.

3) Turns out I have zero emotional object permanence - if I'm happy right this second, then I think I was definitely just exaggerating everything else.

If I do something well or post something positive, I worry nobody will believe anything else because it's inconsistent.

4a) Talking about the devastating impact of lockdown might get either co-opted or misread as being anti-lockdown altogether, or I'll be told to """overcome my anxiety""" about something very very real.

4b) Conversely, I'm likely to get all my worst fears about the pandemic reflected back at me. The fun thing about 2020 is if you say "I don't see a future", you'll hear "same". If my thought spirals are just going to be validated then it's easier to go for distraction and denial.

5) I'm VERY lucky. I can work from home in a job I love for an employer that "gets it". It reminds me of my purpose, it makes me feel a little bit useful. It certainly isn't the problem!

So because "can work" is so often seen as the only marker of wellbeing, I'm "not bad enough"

6) There's lots of advice about how to ask about someone else's mental health - usually based on signs that you're less likely to pick up when you can't be with someone in person - and very little about how to initiate that conversation yourself.

7) Being autistic means my emotional responses are different from most people's anyway, so I'm more reliant on my words. Being autistic also makes my words really, really difficult, especially when I'm anxious.

8a) Those words are even harder when you're stuck with video calls, anyone's face might freeze at any time and you already have so much else to get through in limited time

8b) That's a million times easier than phone calls, which is what most appointments still are right now.

9) What happens after the "just talk" bit? In the before times, it was difficult phone calls, constant re-explanation and months of waiting for something that didn't address why I was there. Now services are even more overstretched and I'm "temporarily" living nowhere near my GP.

10) I at least know why things might be different for me, accept this as part of who I am and not a problem to be fixed, have had years to figure out coping strategies and find my community.

Many autistic people aren't so lucky.

Talking is hugely important. Stigma kills. So does a lack of services. So does lack of basic knowledge about healthcare for neurodivergent people. So does putting the onus on people who already have a hard time communicating to constantly fight our own corner.