Thread by @Kirkylesprigg, As today is #NationalComingOutDay I thought I would share my journey [...]

As today is #NationalComingOutDay

I thought I would share my journey with you of my 'coming out' and a few thoughts. This is going to be a MEGA long thread so brace yourselves. 1/

I was a very confused teenager. I think I always knew I was Gay, but there's a big difference between knowing something, and accepting that identity for yourself. For over ten years I was in the closet because I couldn't accept that I was Gay. God had other ideas... 2/

I truly despised myself. Deeply. I felt I was sinful, wicked and that if I repressed it enough it would go away. I just didn't want to be different. I had this idea in my head of finding a girl, settling down and having a house etc. I recently read 3/

some of my diaries from when I was at University, and the level of denial is just hilarious. I was scared, didn't know where to turn. Then while I was at University I started going to church again, and began to feel early callings to be a priest. 4/

The institution of the Church of England, didn't help me with my feelings of self loathing and being different. My faith grew, and my calling, but so did the revulsion about myself. So I went even deeper into denial. Wanting to fit in. 5/

Fast forward a couple of years and I'm now in the discernment process. I did a year for God at @StAlbansCath and for the first time I met Gay Christians. Not only that, but Gay Christians who were in loving relationships with one another. I found that 6/

the stereotypes were not true. That gay men were capable of living in something like a marriage. They could be Christian too! I'd always believed God loved gay people, but never me, and I certainly never saw how they could fit within the CofE. St Albans changed that 7/

I cried myself to sleep many times. Asking God, pleading God to make things clearer for me, to take away the burden that I might be Gay. That prayer was never answered (and why would it be). I felt this irresistible calling to be a priest. But also this deep denial about who 8/

I really am. On a deep level I knew I was Gay, but that didn't change the cognitive loops I was doing to deny it. I went to BAP, got through, and headed off to Theological College. at @RiponCuddesdon. Again I met actual gay Christians! Who were called to be priests! Who were 9/

themselves. This can happen? I wondered. Could I possibly be Gay and authentic? I remember at that time probably being the most miserable I'd ever been. Lying in bed at night, eyes wide open, thinking I cannot go on like this. 10/

I felt like a fraud, like a dirty liar. I was lying to everyone including myself. Then something happened... 11/

I decided to go to Refresh, an evening guitar led service that was run at the college. In that we did a prayer activity in which we had to visualise laying our burdens down at the altar. I visualised that, and for me it was a big bag with the word GAY written on it. 12/

Reader, that was the first time I'd ever admitted it, even to myself. I began to weep. Proper big tears. Then suddenly this voice spoke to me. It wasn't that internal voice you get in your head, it was a different voice. A voice I'd never heard before. 13/

A presence of love I'd never felt before entered my perception. The voice said to me. "You know I love you don't you Graham?" I replied "Do you? Do you Lord?" The voice answered. "Yes. I love you. But to serve Me, you've got to stop lying to yourself, and everyone else." 14/

The voice went, the chapel came back and I wept for about forty five minutes. That was the moment I had finally accepted God's love for me. I always thought God loved people, but not me, and never knew the Love of God. So I did what I always do, I made a plan. 15/

After this revelation I decided I didn't care if the Church of England kicked me out. So I told my Diocese, was open and honest, and felt an enormous weight lifted off me. I began to tell my family (they all bloody knew of course). By the end of college I was 16/

doing presentations about it in front of people. I was totally held, and loved by my college. It was safe at that time for me, and was one of the many reasons I think I came out. 17/

The point of all this is this. God loves you exactly the way you are, and there is nothing that can now shake my faith in that. I hated myself for years, that's not the abundant life that Jesus came to give us. Quite frankly I no longer give AF about what the institution 18/

of the CofE or the Homophobes within it think of me. I'm going to continue to love God, love people and serve the truth and the church. My identity is in Jesus.
God loves us all. God loves you. Don't be afraid. 19/19

There are a number of people I want to thank. Firstly my Mum and Dad for always supporting me. For the various counsellors I've seen along the way. For the many MANY friends from Theological college who have loved me and encouraged me.

I have come such a long way, and without the support of amazing friends I wouldn't be here now.

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