As I might have mentioned () I got a tattoo recently

I’ve known I’ve wanted a tattoo for ages, but it’s taken a while for the idea for exactly *what* I wanted to crystallise

This is what I got

It is very *me*

#NationalComingOutDay seems a good day to explain why

CW:SH

A tattoo, like a scar, is a permanent mark on a body

Our scars tell stories ... I have one on my knee from a *spectacular* fall as a kid, one above my eye when my head slammed into a steel-rimmed steering wheel on a dodgem (80s safety standards!), my BCG scar on my arm

I also have other scars

I knew I was “different” from the age of about 7; that I was “gay” by the time I was 11

I’ve written before about how damaging growing up in a toxic culture can be for LGBT+ kids https://twitter.com/i/events/1132727151407632385?s=21

I came out, relatively, pretty late

For lots of reasons, I just couldn’t see a way to come out and be who I knew I was

In my late teens and early 20s especially, I couldn’t see any way to resolve the mental distress that caused

I hid it (fairly) well but inside I was hurting

LGBT+ people, and young people especially, are at risk of self-harm and attempted suicide

Self-harm is often a way to try to transform mental hurt into something physical, because something physical feels better able to be controlled, like a controlled release from a dam

Through my late teens and early 20s, I used self-harm as a way to get control of how I was feeling, how I was hurting

Parts of my body, my upper arms especially, are a patchwork of scars, each one telling a piece of the story of how suppressing who you are causes harm

I had support from friends, some of them who knew my self-harm secret, but I couldn’t even tell any of them I was gay, that’s how scared and alone I felt

Their unstinting support without even really knowing *what* they were supporting was a huge part of what got me through

For years after I was ashamed of my scars, thinking they represented weakness

Over time I’ve come to understand they show the opposite; how I found strength to carry on when I could easily not have

They tell my story, written on my body

I’ve stopped actively covering them up

But those scars represent a time in my life when I was reacting, when I wasn’t able to be who I should have been, and was trying to force myself to be something I am not

So, I wanted a different story on my body, a positive “scar”, one that represented *all* of me ... a tattoo

I’ve used “thefourthcraw” as an online identity for as long as I’ve been on the Internet

It comes from a Scottish nursery rhyme - the fourth craw is the one who isn’t there, their identity defined by what is unseen, not what is seen

That’s always resonated with me

Crows have always fascinated me, from Odin’s ravens representing wisdom, to Iain Banks’ book The Crow Road (where the crow represents death), to crows themselves, smart, full of attitude; the cats of the air basically

(That cover design definitely one of the design inspirations)

And I’ve spoken at length elsewhere about the symbolism packed into the flag https://twitter.com/i/events/1267713443366387712?s=21

(All of this of course is why, since I came out a few years ago, I’ve thrown so much of myself into trying to be a part of making things better for the next generation of queer kids like me

I don’t want anyone to have to feel like I did if I can help it) https://twitter.com/i/events/1270993253828046850?s=21

There’s also a nod in the tattoo design to the idea of the Phoenix - of rebirth from what once seemed an impossible situation

A tattoo - MY tattoo - for me is about taking all of that together and using it to change the narrative of what the marks on my body say about me, a conscious symbol of so many things that matter to me

Plus, you’ve got to admit, it looks REALLY awesome

With thanks to Theresa Vendetta at Velvet Underground tattoo, who somehow managed to translate all of my ideas and thoughts into this design https://www.velvetundergroundtattoo.co.uk 

More #NationalComingOutDay content here: https://twitter.com/rainbownhsbadge/status/1315198742111432705