1/ A thread with quotes from Dr. @wademullen's recently released book "Something's Not Right: Decoding the Hidden Tactics of Abuse and Freeing Yourself from its Power", which you can buy from his website: https://wadetmullen.com/somethings-not-right/

2/ "Dr. Wade Mullen is a trustworthy guide in such matters. He knows the way because he has been there. He knows that when something is not right there are often people who want us to think we are not right."

~ @DianeLangberg, forward, in ~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

3/ "You think evil is going to come into your houses wearing big black boots. It doesn’t come like that. Look at the language. It begins in the language."

~Joseph Brodsky, in ~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

4/ "When someone treats you as an object they are willing to harm for their own benefit, abuse has occurred, and that person has become an abuser. Some of the worst forms of abuse are psychological."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

5/ "In other words, abuse involves any action that takes power from another in an attempt to use them. And it almost always begins with language—words that lead to confusion and captivity."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

6/ "The tactics of impression management used by organizations to cover up their wrongs are the same tactics used every day by abusers throughout the world—and that have been used by evil powers throughout history. ...

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

7/ "...If we can learn to decode these evil tactics—if we can learn the language of abuse—we can stop the cycle: we can make abusers less effective at accomplishing destruction in our lives."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

8/ "Freedom comes first by understanding, and understanding means having the language to identify and talk about your situation. I want to give you that more than anything."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

9/ "I’ve also written this book for those who are seeking to advocate for victims and survivors of abuse. I commend you for doing so and know how quickly others can condemn you for your efforts and question your motivation."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

10/ "I hope this book can also speak to those who are enabling abusers—either willfully or unknowingly. I hope your eyes are opened to see the abuser in your midst."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

11/ "You must recognize that it is not just those doing the hiding who are at fault but also those who benefit from the abuser’s show and want it to continue."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

12/ "I hope this book will give you the validation you need to know you are not in the wrong, you are not alone, and you deserve to be able to write your own story. I also hope this book will open your eyes. The best antidote to deception is truth."

~WM, "Something's Not Right"

13/ "The best explanation I’ve read of impression management is from the late Canadian sociologist Erving Goffman, who defined it as the process of creating, influencing, or manipulating an image held by an audience."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

14/ "I find impression management best understood by using the metaphor of a stage play: individuals (or organizations) are actors on a stage, and at any point, they are either behind the curtain or in front of the curtain."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

15/ "Impression management becomes unethical when the front-stage persona is used to hide truths that ought not to be hidden. hidden. An abuser, for example, will use the tactics of impression management when grooming potential victims to conceal nefarious intent."

~WM, "SNR"

16/ "The chief desire of abusive individuals and organizations is to attain or retain power—most often the kind of power gained and held firm through deception. The person who abuses others feels the freedom to do so because of their power."

~WM, "Something's Not Right"

17/ If power is maintained through deception, deception is maintained through secrecy. Abusers rely upon their ability to remain hidden. .. evil knows the best places to hide are those least likely to be searched & among people least likely to suspect abuse."

~WM, "SNR"

18/ "It takes others to keep a secret of abuse. Abusers often have to rely upon other people’s cooperation to keep their show going. Just as stage plays have a cast of actors, Goffman calls those who cooperate in the show 'performance teams.'"

~W. Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

19/ "...think we have a basic understanding of what secrets are & how they function. In reality, their depth of power & breadth of function can make them incredibly complex. According to Goffman, there are five types of secrets: dark, strategic, inside, entrusted, & free."

~WM

20/ "Dark secrets-which we’ll discuss throughout this book-are facts a person or an organization knows & conceals because if they were revealed, they could damage the image of that person or organization. Allegations of abuse, for example, are a common type of dark secret."

~WM

21/ "Abusive situations are often covered up by treating dark secrets as another kind of secret-spreading responsibility to those who, even unwillingly, keep the secret because they do not feel free to share it without harming themselves."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

22/ "We must grasp the harm caused not just by abusers but also by those who fail to stop abuse & instead protect dark secrets. Our communities, schools, churches, & homes r safer when they r free of such secrets because victims no longer have to keep their stories hidden"

~WM

23/ "The person who occupies a position of power—and the deference with which they are treated because of that position—is another important factor in creating an abusive environment."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

24/ "The more leaders and their communities treasure ["sacred"] these roles, the more they will see exposure as a threat, as a way to bring about disgrace to the role itself, threatening the role’s (and even the community’s) legitimacy."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

25/ "Just as a keystone holds an entire arch in place, so many of our organizations are structured around a keystone role, which makes it difficult to entertain removing leaders who abuse their roles."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

26/ "If a leader comes to a sacred role empty, narcissistic, & hungry, they’ll likely feverishly quest for legitimacy and meaning ..They begin to see people as objects to be manipulated, shaped, and molded to fit their own agenda and to further serve the role."

~WM, "SNR"

27/ "Leaders can act as if they have the knowledge and skills to respond to an abusive situation, but in reality most possess little experience or competency to respond appropriately. Instead, they act out of concern for their own role identity..."

~WM, "Something's Not Right"

28/ "Another indicator of abuse of power within a sacred role is that the leader may appeal to their 'anointing' or role to escape accountability for their own wrongs. I worked for one leader who constantly referenced his and others’ qualifications."

~WM, "Something's Not Right"

29/ "Unfortunately, the final indicator of abuse within a sacred role extends to the people who surround & uphold it. Often organizations & communities that define these roles will join their leaders in their quest for qualification."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

30/ "So together, a narcissistic leader and a system that fuels and enables narcissism cooperate to maintain the performance to keep the structure intact. The show must go on."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

31/ "choices for leadership positions within a tribal culture become further calcified in crisis-family & close friends are chosen because they will be able to keep secrets (& have their secrets kept). The abusive organization will slowly shift more & more power to the top"

~WM

32/ "I say all this to reassure you: it’s not your fault if you feel confused and overwhelmed at the prospect of untangling the web of abusive and impression management tactics. It is, by its nature, confusing and overwhelming."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

33/ "if we ignore, minimize, justify, or excuse what we see to avoid disruption, then we help create space for deceivers to continue their charades-allowing their hearts to grow darker, the abuse to become serial, & more innocent people to be placed in harm’s way."

~WM, "SNR"

34/ "It is okay, & even ethical, to bring dark secrets into the light, provided the goal of exposure isn’t to shame the abuser just for the sake of condemnation but to expose them as an act of mercy-for the abuser’s future health & for the protection of others."

~WM, "SNR"

35/ "evil language begins with charm. Great evil can wear the disguise of a kiss. It can invite you to explore its garden, only to release the trap hidden below the flowery surface once you’ve settled in."

~Wade Mullen "Something's Not Right", Chapter 2, "Charms"

36/ "Ingratiation through charms—flattery, favors, and alliances—exploits our desire for acceptance, our value of kindness, our acceptance of favors, and our occasional need for another’s help."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

37/ "Flattery redirects your attention: by focusing on your real, fabricated, or exaggerated positive characteristics, you are kept from seeing the true desires and agenda behind the compliments."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

38/ "Every person in my life that later showed themselves to be abusive and harmful to others was at some point exceedingly kind to me."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

39/ "An integral clue that a person is using flattery to coerce you is how they respond when their flattery isn’t accepted or returned....If it is returned—and it often is—it creates a cycle of flattery."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

40/ "As this wheel of worship spins faster and faster, and as flattery is embedded in the culture of a relationship or organization, it becomes increasingly difficult for anyone to interject a sincere expression of truth."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

41/ Those who remain by an abuser’s side tend to be those who are willing to insincerely praise their leader & unquestionably align themselves with their leader’s agenda, often in hopes that they too might share in the power & adoration. It’s a dangerous dynamic."

~WM, "SNR"

42/ "The abuser who charms is a smuggler of fear. Deep below layers of flattery, gifts, & help lie messages of coercive power, whispering that noncompliance could result in harm instead of charm. In other words, the abuser smuggles fear in packages marked 'Love.'"

~WM, "SNR"

43/ "Beneath the surface lies an unspoken expectation to do whatever is asked of you: the favors are used to control. And they can be powerful & alluring deceivers-they enhance your life, often in unexpected or unnecessary ways."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

44/ "When abusers seek to control your behavior by highlighting your commonalities, they are seeking to establish the appearance of an alliance."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

45/ "It takes time to develop trust. You wouldn’t normally bare your soul to someone you just recently met. But an abusive person will often rush you through and over that natural process."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

46/ "Another indicator of a deceptive alliance at work could be when an abusive leader or board attempts to control a crisis by insisting on one-on-one meetings with those they perceive to be a threat."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

47/ "Tactics of charm lead to devastating abuse...aftereffects r also long lasting for survivors. It’s part of what’s so disorienting & disillusioning about abuse-the realization that the kindness you once enjoyed & appreciated was actually a deception intended to harm you."

~WM

48/ "Ingratiating tactics appear, on the surface, to be positive displays of kindness, generosity, & friendship. ... abusers can use these subtle tactics to repeatedly cross boundaries without consequence, knowing they’ll be overlooked."

~Wade Mullen "Something's Not Right"

49/ "Flattery, excessive attention, gifts, & kindnesses can groom whole groups of people to accept abusive situations. There are numerous cases in which entire communities have rallied to defend the character of an abuser on the basis of his or her kindness."

~W Mullen, "SNR"

50/ "Erving Goffman used the term tactful inattention to describe a phenomenon in which everyone works together to maintain order despite the existence of questionable behaviors, knowing that speaking up will likely cause disruption."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

51/ "Abusive people...will test boundaries 2 discover what can be done without objection. They often use charms 2 win people’s favor & trust then exploit that trust by crossing boundaries-boundaries that would ordinarily be met with resistance if that trust weren't present."

~WM

52/ "dismantling tactics are designed to destroy the victim’s external & internal worlds, keeping them in the web of abuse the abuser has spun."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right", Chapter 3, "Dismantling Your Internal World"

53/ "Dismantling tactics are, most clearly, attempts to control a targeted person through actions involving intimidation, humiliation, and outright violence to produce feelings of fear and shame."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

54/ "Dismantling tactics are, at their core, assaults on beauty, on the image of who God has created you to be. ... you will be better equipped to protect beauty when you learn how, when, and why it is sometimes dismantled."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

55/ "not a single place within [a victim] where the impact [of trauma] is not comprehensive & all-encompassing. If you take a tour into their life, you will find nothing but ruins. Ruins that need excavating in order to find even a speck of life remaining.”

~ @widmer_fran, in WM

56/ "The abusive person dismantles the internal world of the victim until nothing of substance remains. How do they accomplish such a travesty? They often begin with the victim’s own sense of identity."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

57/ "Our own identity is slowly stripped away when an abusive person or organization engages in the process of exchanging our culture, values, beliefs, name, belongings, preferences, & desires with a ready-made identity manufactured by the abuser."

~WM, "Something's Not Right"

58/ "It is very difficult to be reduced to a simple category of another person’s making. By being labeled and stripped of all that makes you you, it becomes even more difficult to confront the lies and fight for your worth."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

59/ "As your identity becomes increasingly dismantled, it becomes easier and easier for the abuser to then target your self-respect. A person who believes they have the right to redefine you will also feel the freedom to humiliate you."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

60/ "You can see the same effect in communities run by tyrannical leaders. These leaders commonly humiliate people in public. One victim of childhood clergy abuse described the way the abusive pastor would humiliate people from the pulpit."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

61/ "Some of the most common, and hurtful, responses survivors hear when they tell their story of abuse are 'Why didn’t you just say no?' or 'Why did you stay in the relationship for so long?' or Why didn’t you just quit your job?'"

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

62/ "We see clear examples of this dismantling of agency in high-control groups...'cults,' but it also shows up in interpersonal relationships. Abusive friendships develop when one person starts imposing rules on the other-telling them what they can & cannot do."

~Wade Mullen

63/ "One of the reasons telling our stories of abuse can be so daunting is because we are trying to piece together the parts of us that have been dismantled."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

64/ "Even if you do not have any words to describe what happened to you, you can simply say, 'Something’s not right. perhaps the person you tell can validate your experience, bring clarity to confusion, & support you as you take steps toward freedom."

~Wade Mullen, "SNR"

65/ "Until you know what is true, it will be difficult to know what to do. The ingredients of trauma include confusion & captivity. Freedom from trauma, therefore, requires truth & empowerment."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

66/ "To dissuade the victim from trusting anyone else, abusers lace every conversation with deceptive messages:

*'They don’t really care about you.'
*'Why do you listen to them?'
*'You don’t need them.'"

~Wade Mullen, "SNR", Chapter 4, "Dismantling Your External World"

67/ "As the relationship becomes increasingly coercive, the abusive person will try to prevent your empowerment & their exposure by cutting you off from supportive relationships like family, friends, or even those who offer help in a professional capacity, like therapists."

~WM

68/ "In addition to isolating you from supportive family and friends, an abuser will work vehemently to dismantle your belief in institutional support that could rescue you from the abuse."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

69/ "...church leaders were saying, 'We are God’s agents. We know God’s will for you. If you don’t comply, you will be acting against the God's will.' ... this all-too-common practice is established to prevent a member of the organization from pursuing legal action."

~WM, "SNR"

70/ "Sadly, we see these external attacks launched even against helping professions like social workers, law enforcement, and health-care workers, especially within faith organizations."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

71/ "If education, like becoming more aware of hidden tactics of abuse, empowers you, then one of the abuser’s strategies will be to dismantle your connection to those knowledge sources."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

72/ "This is especially powerful when abusers cast themselves as agents of God. As mentioned in chapter 1, abusers can appeal to their sacred roles—their position, anointing, theological insights, or spiritual gifts—to be seen as people who know what God wants."

~WM, "SNR"

73/ "You do not deserve to be dismantled. You deserve to be loved. ... I like to think of love as helping the people around me live life to the fullest, celebrating all the ways in which they become fully alive. An abuser does the opposite."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

74/ "I hope the knowledge of these hidden tactics will not only help you avoid abusive environments but also help you find loving environments in which you can grow and thrive."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

75/ "Once you are charmed, dismantled, & alone, the abuser advances. A thick fog descends between the charm that deceived you & the fear and shame you suddenly feel after an abusive attack."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right", Chapter 5, "The Silent Struggle"

76/ "For many reasons, and quite understandably, it is extremely difficult for victims of abuse to speak up and expose what has happened to them. ... there are a number of other factors that may keep them from bringing attention to their situation: ...

~WM, "SNR"

77/ "...

*The belief that their credibility will be called into question
*The belief that they have a moral responsibility to remain loyal or submissive
*A close bond with the abuser
*The loss of their own reputation
*The fear of bringing public shame upon their community ...

78/ "...

*The fear of being blamed for the abuse
*The uncertainty & unpredictability of the response
*The fear that they will be accused for not coming forward sooner. This is especially a factor if the abuse took place long in the past
...

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

79/ "...

*The threat of lawsuits after they go public with their story.
*Potential condemnation for not following procedures designed to keep matters internal."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

80/ "Now, it’s important to note that I’m not suggesting that confronting abuse is a mark or test of courage. Choosing to never tell does not make a victim less courageous."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

81/ "Survivors begin believing that telling others will never accomplish anything because the barriers are too many and too great. And so, understandably, they stay silent and alone."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

82/ "Keeping you from telling your story is one of an abuser’s goals, and they will primarily use intimidation and plea tactics to encourage your silence."

82/ "Through intimidation the abuser misuses their physical/verbal/spiritual/emotional power to create a deep sense of danger. If the goal of charm is to draw u in, the goal of intimidation is to silence u. The wolf, no longer disguised as a friend, openly acts like a wolf."

~WM

83/ "1 of the most difficult moments for a survivor is when their story, told to the leaders of the organization with the expectation it will be met with light-a listening ear & a compassionate heart-is instead met with darkness-a refusal to listen & a hard, cold heart"

WM "SNR"

84/ "When used deceptively by an abuser, a plea can exploit our sincere desire to help and extend compassion. It is not that these extensions of mercy are not right—sometimes they are. It is that the abuser uses our compassion for their own benefit."

~WM, "Something's Not Right"

85/ "Whereas charms and intimidation are often used by those with greater power to control those with less power, you are more likely to encounter pleas when those with less power are trying to control those with greater power."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

86/ "If abusers believe their families can be used to quiet victims, disarm critics, and quell an outcry, then they will not hesitate to highlight, exaggerate, or fabricate the wounds being inflicted upon those closest to them."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

87/ "the truth is, abusers should bear the responsibility for the damage brought about by the exposure of their actions."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

88/ "Abusive leaders who resign might suggest they are doing so to avoid becoming a distraction and burden for the other leaders. They hide behind others’ experiences, knowing people will be more inclined to avoid a confrontation with leaders they still admire and respect."

~WM

89/ "Let's be clear: people being burned at stakes [as] witches & African Americans being lynched are entirely different scenarios from a leader being accused of abusing power. The false comparison then fosters further lies about the accused and the accusers, ..."

~WM, "SNR"

90/ "A common method abusers might use to gain sympathy and help is to threaten to harm themselves. The abuser threatens you with self-harm, exploiting your concern for their well-being."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

Please note, @RZIMhq, @AbduMurray

91/ "The abuser asks you to protect them, & you now bear the burden of responsibility. 'This will ruin me if you ever tell anyone,' they warn. You might not know what to do with such powerful secrets. Now you are told you only have one option: not to do anything."

~WM, "SNR"

92/ "Whether explicitly stated or implied, the abuser pleads with the victim to become a co-keeper of at least two weighty secrets: (1) the truth about the abuse and (2) the truth about the abuser. The disruptive power of these dark secrets oppresses the victim. ...

~WM, "SNR"

93/ "...Like any weight, the secrets become harder to carry over time. The victim feels trapped as the desire to b free from the burden of secrecy is repeatedly met with a fear of what will happen if the truth is revealed."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

94/ "Nothing is quite so infuriating as an abuser who wounds someone deeply and then attempts to keep the wounded person under their control by threatening suicide if the abuse is ever made public."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

95/ "when a victim does speak out, it is usually because they are in desperate need of help or are concerned that others might be in harm’s way and are compelled to act despite the risks."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

96/ "If you are at a point of wanting freedom from the confusion and captivity but fear the consequences of taking the necessary steps, know that you are not alone and that your feelings are normal."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

97/ "Any space that affords u the opportunity to tell your story in an unrushed manner will be helpful to u. You may not be able to tell it all at once, or in a way that you think will make sense to the other person, but a trauma-informed supporter will honor where you are."

~WM

98/ "If telling a professional is not an option yet, then consider calling a hotline or writing in an online chat, like the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline facilitated by @rainn (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)."

~Wade Mullen, "Something's Not Right"

99/ [the tweeter interrupts this thread to say here are some resources in Australia: https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/sexual-assault-and-abuse-helplines

and in UK perhaps https://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/rape-and-sexual-assault/

and in Canada perhaps https://crcvc.ca/links/  ]

100/ "If telling another is not something u r ready for, then...consider telling yourself. Write down what u would tell someone if u had the opportunity. Writing your experience out on paper can b a courageous act of resistance and survival."

~Wade Mullen "Something's Not Right"