i was 15 when i found out there's something wrong with me. i started losing weight and eventually got sick because i don't have any energy to eat. i don't tell anyone even my best friends who i rely the most that i have trouble inside me. i'm not that religious but that time -

- i think "oh, maybe i should pray more" so i did but i didnt found anything helps. not that i doubting god power but i just feel empty yet burden at the same time. i don't really thinks mental health issues r real back then because all the cultural things i grew up

but then i feeling this not right. i went to psychiatrist for the very first time and the first diagnosed are i may had ADHD. so i just oh well maybe i did. but i get panic attacks and stuff when i getting older. i thought thats maybe just hormones because i'm growing up

i'm 18 when i think oh i can't be like this all the time i know something went wrong with me. i went to another psychiatrist and then i just found out i have bipolar. i was so shocked. back then

i didnt tell anyone about this since today except people online because i feel people online are more open minded about this issues. since day, i try to hiding my bipolar from everyone because they would be pitty on me and said i made up things

i get triggered a lot. A LOT. at some points i just want to end my life. as i reach age 20, i get more pressured to hide my emotion since i'm the oldest daughter and the oldest grandchildren in my family

my father and my grandfather are a very strict person. especially my grandfather. they're both are very old fashioned person and they believe firstborn need to be strong and perfect. i've been growing in that mindset even when i'm still on my moms belly.

at 22 birthday, on january 13, i feel like my life are strange when both of my sisters r fine. i went to another psychiatrist for monthly check up but i found something really shocking. all this time i have autism. i just started thinking "ah so that's why no one understands me"

reason why i suddenly making this thread is because i'm so touched by Jae openly confess about what happening to him. he really inspires me to be openly accept that i'm not perfect person my family wants me to be. i am what i am.

Last month Jae gave me an advice to seek professional helps for my anxiety. so actually before Jae gave me advice i literally refusing to go to doctor because first, pandemic, and second, i think i'm just gonna succumbs to my anxiety.

but after he tell me that i should seek helps, i gathered up my courage and went to my therapist because i can't be like this all the time. i am not the perfect daughter they always think about