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i was 15 when i found out there& #39;s something wrong with me. i started losing weight and eventually got sick because i don& #39;t have any energy to eat. i don& #39;t tell anyone even my best friends who i rely the most that i have trouble inside me. i& #39;m not that religious but that time -
- i think "oh, maybe i should pray more" so i did but i didnt found anything helps. not that i doubting god power but i just feel empty yet burden at the same time. i don& #39;t really thinks mental health issues r real back then because all the cultural things i grew up
but then i feeling this not right. i went to psychiatrist for the very first time and the first diagnosed are i may had ADHD. so i just oh well maybe i did. but i get panic attacks and stuff when i getting older. i thought thats maybe just hormones because i& #39;m growing up
i& #39;m 18 when i think oh i can& #39;t be like this all the time i know something went wrong with me. i went to another psychiatrist and then i just found out i have bipolar. i was so shocked. back then
i didnt tell anyone about this since today except people online because i feel people online are more open minded about this issues. since day, i try to hiding my bipolar from everyone because they would be pitty on me and said i made up things
i get triggered a lot. A LOT. at some points i just want to end my life. as i reach age 20, i get more pressured to hide my emotion since i& #39;m the oldest daughter and the oldest grandchildren in my family
my father and my grandfather are a very strict person. especially my grandfather. they& #39;re both are very old fashioned person and they believe firstborn need to be strong and perfect. i& #39;ve been growing in that mindset even when i& #39;m still on my moms belly.
at 22 birthday, on january 13, i feel like my life are strange when both of my sisters r fine. i went to another psychiatrist for monthly check up but i found something really shocking. all this time i have autism. i just started thinking "ah so that& #39;s why no one understands me"
reason why i suddenly making this thread is because i& #39;m so touched by Jae openly confess about what happening to him. he really inspires me to be openly accept that i& #39;m not perfect person my family wants me to be. i am what i am.
Last month Jae gave me an advice to seek professional helps for my anxiety. so actually before Jae gave me advice i literally refusing to go to doctor because first, pandemic, and second, i think i& #39;m just gonna succumbs to my anxiety.
but after he tell me that i should seek helps, i gathered up my courage and went to my therapist because i can& #39;t be like this all the time. i am not the perfect daughter they always think about
