Cw: I'm going to talk about food/disordered eating I guess, since it's #WorldMentalHealthDay .

My relationship to food is difficult and ties in very intimately to my mental health. This can range from forgetting to eat because I got distracted, to feeling like I don't deserve to eat and forgoing food as a punishment, and binge eating when I suddenly realise I'm hungry.

It's been difficult for me to realise that my relationship with and attitude to food is unhealthy. When we talk about disordered eating and eating disorders, we often talk about body dysmorphia and body image, about weight, and about feelings of control and anxiety.

What's often not spoken about is that disordered eating can be comorbid with illnesses and cognitive conditions like ADHD and OCD. My forgetting to eat is a symptom of my condition, as well as a condition in itself. It's difficult to figure out where one starts and the other ends

When we talk about conditions like OCD and ADHD, it can be difficult to perceive the knock on effect the symptoms have on other aspects of our lives, and the other conditions it can lead to. It's something I think definitely needs talking about more, even if it's hard.

When your disordered eating has been a huge part of your life for so long, even before you had a diagnosis, it's difficult to recognise because eating that way feels normal. It's taken me a long time to realise that ignoring my hunger until I have to eat RIGHT NOW isn't normal.

I worried I was hypoglycemic, but then I figured out that my hungry shakes only occurred on days where I hadn't eaten enough though lack of bodily awareness or self-sabotage. It's difficult to learn to listen to your body when it doesn't know how to tell you it's hungry.

And the lack of bodily awareness can be a real fucking nightmare. There are some days where I don't feel hungry at all for hours and hours and I function totally fine and then suddenly it's like my brain goes "wait! Food!" and suddenly I'm scarfing down whatever to hand.

Especially with conditions where forethought and planning isn't your strong point (hey there, ADHD), planning snacks and meals so that when you do have that "oh god hungry" strikes you have something healthy to hand is another difficulty on top of that. Even with best intentions.

It feels like it should be so easy. Just make a meal plan! Set reminders to eat! Prep your food in advance! But those are all things that are fairly easy for neurotypical folks, but can SUCK for neuroatypical folks who forget a meal plan the moment it exists.

My relationship with food, hunger, and my body is something I am desperately trying to work on. It's difficult right now but I'm hoping that as I get treatment and find resources there will be something that makes this easier. But I just wanted to say it outloud.

If you're struggling with those things too, you're not alone. You don't have to hide it. It's not shameful. I think there are a lot of us out there trying to covertly navigate health and food and being neuroatypical and we need to start discussions to help one another.