Ok I will do a #WorldMentalHealthDay thread.

If you've followed me for some time, you may know that I live with Bipolar disorder II. Many times I get DMs from people asking how did I know I was bipolar, so I'm going to share my diagnosis story. I hope this can help someone.

I have a family history of bipolar disorder, and I lost a cousin to suicide because of it, so it's always been in the back of my mind.

After I hit puberty, I knew my brain was different. I didn't know how to articulate it, but I felt like I was wired differently from everyone.

I suffered from depression for most of high school, and did a lot of self harm. At the time, I didn't have the manic episodes I had read about, so I couldn't be bipolar right?

What I DID have was a nasty fiery temper, that could just flip and explode over tiny things.

As a teenager I would get into screaming matches with my parents, and whenever I'd get frustrated I'd hit myself in the head or pull on my hair.

My mom was freaked tf out (and she bought all these books like "Is My Teenager Ok?" and even took me to a psychiatrist once.

In my mind, my father had a temper and I just inherited it. At the time, I couldn't distinguish how erratic my behaviour was.

My depression continued to manifest and worsen when I got to uni. I would have spells of joy and then not be able to get out of bed the next week.

When I started grad school is when the proverbial shit hit the fan.

My temper was back, my emotions were uncontrollable. I cried on my 21st birthday, cried at my graduation, cried at almost every "happy" occasion. Ask me why? NO IDEA, but I was BAWLING.

My emotional responses were so out of proportion with the stimulus.

One little joke could have me explosively angry, aggressive and often violent. One wrong word could have me inconsolably in tears.

I was still ragingly depressed, crying most mornings unable to get up.

During this time, I had arguments with my friends, partner, parents. I destroyed relationships, caused irreparable wounds.

And then I got physically violent with someone I loved more than anything.

That's when I knew I was batshit crazy.

I started counselling at the UWI health centre and visited a psychiatrist, who told me I was depressed and should get medication.

This psychiatrist experience was the worst for me. I didn't feel listened to, and I felt like I was being rushed into medication that I didn't want.

(Also she was expensive AF but more on that later)

I never went back to her, and sporadically went to counselling, deciding that I'd just manage my depression on my own.

At the beginning of 2017 after MONTHS of suicidal thoughts, I decided I was done with the foolishness.

I started regular counselling sessions with Dr Michelle Lewin at Oxford Medical Centre. The more we spoke, the more I came to accept that I would probably need to be medicated.

Dr Lewin was so gentle with me, I never felt pressured one way or another.

After 6 months of counselling, she gently asked me if I would like her to recommend me to a psychiatrist so I could explore my options.

I started seeing Dr Rachel Chung (also at Oxford Medical) and Y'ALL.

Y'ALL.

THIS WOMAN WAS SENT FROM GOD OK.

We worked through my family history and my symptoms, and she explained to me how my erratic behaviour and my "temper" were more likely symptoms of emotional disregulation.

"I suspect you might be bipolar II".

I was finally convinced to try medication. My science brain won.

We first tried just an antidepressant because we were still unsure about the diagnosis. If the antidepressant worked, maybe we wouldn't have to try the mood stabilizers (which can have rough side effects).

I started on fluoxetine (Prozac) and it was AWFUL. I lost soooooo much weight, couldn't sleep, didn't feel any better and my suicidal ideation went through the roof.

I stuck out the initial 4 weeks and then I couldn't do it any more.

We then switched to a mood stabilizer, Lamotrigine.

Y'ALL

REMEMBER WHAT I SAID ABOUT SENT FROM GOD????

It was only when I started the Lamotrigine that I realized how much of my behaviour were SYMPTOMS of my disease. I realized how erratic and emotional I really was.

Bipolar II is the depression-heavy form of the disease, so we added an antidepressant Sertraline (brand name Zoloft) to manage the depressive symptoms I still had.

Mood STABILIZERS are literally that. Idk how to explain it but I've never felt so...balanced. Stable. Zen.

Almost 2 years later and my regimen is the same: therapy, medication, meditation and a sleep schedule.

Bipolar disorder is a physiological illness, needing physiological treatment. Just like if you had diabetes, you'd take insulin, or beta blockers if you're hypertensive.

Now I was ONLY able to do this because I had a parent able to assist me with initial expenses

Each psychiatrist session is 9k
Each therapy session is 5k-7k
My medication is 5k a month (reduced to about 1k thanks to NHF...ALSO SENT FROM GOD)

I don't have insurance either.

The goal is to wean off the antidepressants (but we'll see).

I've accepted that I will probably always be on a mood stabilizers. But honestly, the peace of mind is 100% worth it. I know that will bring challenges if/when I'm ready to have a baby, but one journey at a time.

(Almost done I promise)

What I have realized recently is how much my actions have impacted my relationships.
I do believe I strained my parents' marriage beyond belief. I recognize that my friends and partners have been hurt by my actions.

All I want now is to make amends.

I'm happy that I'm now able to reflect in this way. I'm blessed that this disease hasn't taken my life, my livelihood, or any opportunity from me.

I hope that more people will have the opportunity to do this, if we can reduce the prohibitive costs for mental health care.