Woke up with crippling anxiety after a restless period of nightmare-plagued “sleep.” I hate days like this.

On the bright side, managed to wait until 10:00 to start drinking.

Breakfast today: Cottage cheese on an English muffin with a 3-olive dirty martini. Because I’m fucking classy.

The best part about morning drinking on an empty stomach is that it only takes about four drinks to get me nicely buzzed.

Of course I expedited the process by just putting 8 oz. of gin in one drink.

Drunk Troll Cat fact I’ll probably delete later:

I’ve been a millionaire, homeless, and everything in between.

I have an IQ >160. Never bothered to be tested further. Don’t care, I’m smart enough. (Also, IQ is overrated)

I’ve crossed a ton of shit off my bucket list..

...But still consider myself an abject failure and underachiever.

The #1 thing on my current bucket list is to go skydiving.

I’m a bit bipolar. Duh.

Been on TV 30+ times, but nobody knows who I am. I like it that way.

Published author, but not under my own name.

I like to bury shit in tweet threads I know most people won’t read.

This was originally a poker account created to mock poker players who promote themselves on social media. Nowadays, I doubt more than 5% of my followers play poker.

Bombshell: I don’t like Donald Trump.