It is #WorldMentalHealthDay . So I make this disclosure to try & reduce the stigma associated with it, but especially in the medical profession, with the hope it might help somebody. I have struggled with my self esteem for years but it got particularly bad from 2016 (1/?)

It was so bad,negative thoughts about myself overwhelmed me even in simple tasks. I couldnt talk to patients without a simultaneous running commentary in my head telling me I wasnt good enough to give medical advice to patients/parents, I wasnt good enough to do my research (2/?)

To the point where I was unable to use a phone to call a patient or parent without intense script preparation. I was so anxious I couldn’t speak and get words out, then I was more conscious of the fact I just made sounds. This still happens to me today sometimes at work (3/?)

I asked for help from PHP, which took >10 weeks. Too long to leave someone who is too ashamed to go to a GP because they are worried having a mental health problem will be stuck on their CV & people will look at them differently, justifying the belief they’re incapable (4/?)

I was referred for CBT. It helped a bit. What didn’t help was hearing from a “mentor” “Why do you think that about yourself? You’re doing fine.”
Fine. For a person who has strived to achieve excellence all her life & who is working at an institution where fine ISNT ENOUGH (5/?)

The CBT lasted 8 weeks, longer than its supposed to. And that was it. I went weekly at 8am before work and was still working full time. I didn’t want to let people down and have the outrage amongst colleagues that I know would have been associated with me taking time off (6/?)

So I ‘managed’. But what I’d done is put a plaster on an aneurysm. I returned from research to clinical work, & in retrospect was so lucky to have consultants who had known me for years. They recognised I wasnt well. They saw me taking on too much,they saw I was struggling (7/?)

They saw how hard I was trying to spin too many plates (doing grid, CSAC logbook, papers, thesis, 1A banded Rota, teaching juniors) and they were worried. I was worried about letting them down. But I was also exhausted, having daily headaches and biting skin off my thumbs (8/?)

My ed supervisor told me it wasn’t normal to cry at work and at home most days, and that feeling so worried about doing everything right for everybody all the time wasnt normal either. She told me she wanted me to be well. They all did. So that day I was signed off by my GP (9/?)

I had 2 weeks off to rest and look after myself. I got a private counsellor so I didn’t have to wait. I had therapy and did a graduated return to work during a global pandemic. I am better now and I make this thread because it might resonate with someone and to reiterate (10/?)

That everyone deserves to have their mental health taken seriously, and that waiting lists for services need serious attention. Encourage your bosses and colleagues to treat mental health problems seriously with the attention they deserve (fin).