Since the lockdown in March, many who've lived alone for large parts of their adult life have found themselves living with their parents. Either moving back into their homes or parents coming over to stay.

I'd like to talk about #MentalHealthForAll in context of parents.

Many of us have great relationships with our parents. Others have strained, emotionally limited interactions with them. Yet others among us have confused, chaotic relationships that do not allow us to understand what it means to love and be loved. +
#WorldMentalHealthDay

I want to talk about toxic parenting here in this thread. I want to especially discuss toxic mothering and mothers.

One of the first things you'll notice about toxic mothers is a general dissatisfaction with everything. Nothing pleases them enough, ever. Not just about you +

But about the world in general. Nothing or no one they meet is good enough to appreciate or praise without reservation or finding fault.

This is a direct reflection of being dissatisfied, deeply, with themselves. There is, therefore, no way on earth that you as a child +

Will meet all the "standards" she has for you. You'll never be good enough. There will always be one thing you could have done better. One way you are lacking.

If you grow up and bring it up with them, be prepared for the next best thing toxic mothers do - gaslighting. +

Ask them why they give you no compliments, they'll tell you because you don't need them. She, as a mother, brought you up to her high standards so obv you're going to be good at whatever it is you seek her praise and approval in. So, of course, there's no need for her to +

Expressly praise you, acknowledge you or compliment you. By default, you're good and you should know that. If you don't that's your fault. :)

Ask them why they can't praise your work/achievement without, invariably, saying how it could have been better, and they'll tell you +

That all they want for you is to be "better than you are". These suggestions/critiques are proof that she wants you to live to your full potential. Never mind that she's never attempted what you've presented to her for her acknowledgment (painting, writing, promotion etc) +

If you've never been fully acknowledged as a child for who you are and what you do, you should watch yourself for where you're seeking this acknowledgement in your other relationships and how this seeking manifests itself.

Some ways I saw this playing out in my life +

1. Incessant need for reassurance that I'm worthy of love

2. Insecurity if I'm not in constant touch with those I love

3. Seeking to feel good from someone else - usually someone you're close to. So manufacturing conversions and situations where praise could be elicited. +

4. Fear of being abandoned by those I love.

5. Blurred lines between true generosity and generosity for the sake of buying love, companionship, attention.

All of these, if we don't catch them early, and be accountable for how they make us act (attention seeking) and +

How they make us feel (empty and worthless), tend to become part of our personalities. While it might be okay when we are on our own, they demand a massive price from those whom we burden for fulfilling these demands of acknowledgement from us. + +

The third thing to look for in toxic mothers is an additional layer of rationalisation to the gaslighting.

I don't need to elaborate on this because who among us hasn't been meted out violence of some form and not been told, "I do it because it's for you own good." :)

+

In similar ways, mothers who do not have healthy relationships with their role as a parent, tend to do things in your life very early, manipulate incidents, memories, truths to "spare" you pain or so that you don't become "like that".

This discovery takes a lot of work++

Within yourself to discover what was truth, how your life changed and why, and how you couldn't ever trust your sense of what was going on around you.

They rationalize every toxic behaviour as something they did for your good. Sometimes, you're well into late adulthood ++

Before you realise there was no good to come out of it. Or understand the bigger lie: that she had no idea what she was doing, and so that she could feel better, she told you and herself that it was for your own good. ++

Next thing to examine in your own life, if you grew up in a dysfunctional home with a toxic mother, is a mum who never apologizes. Ever. To anyone. Especially to those who matter. Spouses, children, siblings.

A person incapable of apologizing verbally but who shows in action ++

That they're sorry and don't do what hurt you after that is still someone you can try your best to accept and understand and trust.

Someone who refuses to apologize and doesn't stop what hurts you is someone who has a deep narcissistic wound. They have no self ++

Only an ego that's bruised at the slightest provocations. If you're an adult who apologises all the time, who sees everything from the rain ruining plans to someone in the house saying they're hungry as your fault (and therefore spring into action) you likely grew up with +

A mother who never ever apologized and acknowledged you as someone who a) was and could likely be wronged and b) as someone who deserved humility and reparation from her for being wronged.

Thread has gone on long enough for now.

More in a new thread. #WorldMentalHealthDay