1/ The power to say no: I’ve said this before but need to say it again. But the one thing that helped me most in therapy was the power to be completely irrational and say no to everything that felt unsafe for me (which was virtually everything) while my therapist patiently waited

2/ It took more than a year. He made suggestions and I said no to all of them. All of them. Not just the ones that I still don’t want and never would want. But even the things he believes in. I said no to hope. Honestly just no, no and no.

3/ There were whole systems he believed in developed by trusted colleagues and friends. He told me all about them and I said no. He explained why they might help me and I explained why they sort of sucked—sometimes rationally sometimes not.

4/ I didn’t want hope or healing. I just wanted someone to hear me and value me even if I never healed. And to always let me say no. And he did that. It started to feel really safe. I still said no to everything. Like a beautiful song: no, no, no.

5/ My “no” upon being deeply respected and valued took on a depth of its own. Metaphors emerged from it that we were able to explore together because he wasn’t too afraid of my “hopelessness” and intractability to join me in them.

6/ After more than a year and a half. After I could finally trust that this was not someone who is going to try to force me to heal, those metaphors started to shift a bit and the safety I was experiencing in the therapy relationship merged and mingled with them ever so subtly.

7/ Amidst all the “no”s of which I remained proud and he remained respectful sprang up little sprigs of hope. The metaphors softened a bit and suddenly I found myself feeling safe to say “okay maybe I can try that now.” That was progress....

8/ But honestly most of the healing bits grew out of that beautiful song of “no, no, no” that most professionals wouldn’t have the patience, fortitude & humility to see through. I’m not healed. My metaphors still have tons of hopelessness but they’re mine and they’re evolving

9/ It wasn’t easy and there was one time when it almost broke our therapy relationship. But in the end the patience born out of a truly radically trauma informed approach (even when my hopelessness seemed like a problem) was what made it possible for me to shift a bit

10/ So please seek healing in the ways that feel safe & comfortable for you &find people who will honor & help you listen to & develop your beautiful song of “no, no, no.” When it’s allowed to emerge without all the other noise you might be surprised how much healing it contains

11/ All that is to say that my therapist is the best & I’m so lucky. It sounds easy but it wasn’t. People naturally want to help. He helped by not forcing anything even in subtle ways. This is not easy to do (anyone who says otherwise is likely not getting it) & I’m so grateful