What’s it like supporting someone with a mental health condition?

Tomorrow is #MentalHealthAwareness day & I wanted to share a few of my thoughts, observations & experiences of what it’s like helping someone who suffers with depression and anxiety...

Strap in gang!

Obviously this is personal & I can only share my perspective. I also know that so many people are going through other challenges at the moment. This in no way diminishes those.

This is also a TW for suicide and self harm. Please look after yourself first.

On we go. Some of you might know that for a few years now, we have dealt with the and of my lovely mum suffering with severe depression and anxiety. When I say ups - I mean recovery and wellness (yes, it’s possible) and when I say downs, I mean the worst you can imagine.

We’ve learn some things, and we’ve tried our best, but it has been hard, and sometimes, when the lows come back, it is hard to feel like you haven’t failed. But I know for lots of us out there, we’re in the same boat ...

..but when I say ‘lots of us out there’, it can be so very hard to find people willing to reach out and talk about this stuff. It’s private & it’s complicated, but if our experience with MH services has taught us anything, it’s that there are so many people going through it.

So, what stops us? What has stopped me from shouting from the rooftops that this is happening to us?

Stigma.

Don’t underestimate it. It can kill people, and it drives the most vulnerable people underground, so their experiences never get shared, understood or valued.

How does stigma play out? It stops people from speaking out when they sense a problem, it stops people from accepting certain types of treatment for fear of how it might be viewed, it stops those supporting them asking for help out of fear they might be judged too.

A very real way this impacts is that when hospital admissions are necessary, we get uncomfortable. We don’t like the idea of them, we don’t think their safe, we think they’re full of dangerous, ‘mad’ people. How can you support someone through that if these views exist?

It’s so very hard to convince someone you love that it’s a good idea to consider inpatient treatment, when they are so worried about what people think - yet when someone else in my family recently got seriously ill - we never questioned whether hospital was the right place.

There’s also the impact of people not really understanding what it means when I say that my mum is ‘seriously ill’ with depression. I have in the past had replies of ‘but she’s not going to die so...’ so let me explain why that’s the wrong thing to say...

Yes, in the first instance, depression isn’t terminal, if you get the help you need. But let’s be clear - you can die from it. Unfortunately, because of the way we report it in this country, we sensationalise suicide & forget that it should say the cause of death was depression.

Deciding to take your own life, or not caring what happens to you, is the last & most intense symptom of a cruel disease. But we don’t see it like that. When we hear someone has taken their own life, we panic, we wonder what could ever have possessed them to do it.

...But the thing that did it was the illness. And we don’t understand it. So communicating to people that my mum was seriously ill in hospital because she’d reached that point was, and still is, hard.

One of the most difficult things is that because no-one talks about it, you assume you must be on your own. That this has never happened to anyone before. That no-one knows the particular kind of trauma that goes with supporting someone going through such emotional pain...

...that you, your family, are in some way different, more complicated, more tragic. But it is just an illness, like many others, and the support carers need is no less or more valid than any other disease.

So, what do I want you to take away from this?

1) Check your beliefs about MH & what you can do to be more comfortable.

2) Know that if this has, or is happening to you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

3) Be kind to people, even if they don’t want to tell you details, a smile will help.

This is not exhaustive and there are so many things we’ve learned and are yet to learn about this journey, but please, if you have any questions, or you’ve been through similar, let me know because I would LOVE a new pal