i have a policy: i never write feedback about someone (to their manager, to their peer, etc) which i haven't already given that person directly in some form.

it means no surprises for them. & often, the process of having the convo causes me to update my impression of the issue.

i think there should be obvious exceptions in cases where someone is like committing actual HR violations or otherwise doing something that's dangerous/scary/i have reason to believe i couldn't safely deliver feedback. but that's happened extremely rarely in my experience.

i didn't start off doing this, btw. i used to be terrible about "i constantly complain about this thing that you do but i'll never work up the nerve to talk to you about it."

i had a hard time feeling good about that version of myself, though. deep down, i knew it wasn't great.

and of course, there are risks to giving candid feedback in a tech workplace if you're "other." i had to learn to give feedback in a much narrower, more specific way because it's perceived as harsher coming from a woman. far tougher still if you're a poc, non neurotypical, etc.

but ultimately i think it comes down to this: does the way i behave really reflect the kind of person i think i am-- the person i want to be? if not, are there ways to bring those two things closer together?