I was diagnosed with #COVID19 on Monday. I thought it was allergies and PMS, but my MIL was supposed to come this week, so I decided to get tested. I did not have a fever. I did not have a cough. Urgent care doctors did not think I had COVID, but tested me anyway.

The rapid test came back negative. The RT-PCR-based nasal swab test came back positive on Monday. I did a double take when the results came to my medical portal. For 7 months I have lived in a bubble. For 7 months we've not seen anyone outside of my immediate family.

Until late summer, we did not even see my in laws. I am in Detroit and my family is elsewhere. My grandmother died in April and I did not get to say goodbye bc of COVID. My father had two serious medical emergencies in July and I did not get to see him bc of COVID.

I missed my sister's very small wedding bc of COVID. And my 6 yo missed being a flower girl. For 7 months, I've wiped down groceries and lysoled mail and packages and doorknobs and everything else that gets touched.

I have so many mixed feelings about this diagnosis. There is confusion (how did someone as careful and neurotic as me get this? My husband works from home and my daughter does virtual school). There is anger bc I don't know what damage this virus will do to my body.

Anger bc I followed the rules and wore masks and practiced social distancing. Anger bc I had to put my writing on hold (again) to become a full-time mom. Anger at this pandemic and this ignorant president who struts around spouting dangerous information.

We still don't know the long-term implications of having COVID. There is anxiety about whether or not my children and husband will get this (we are waiting on their results). There is relief - will it be over now? Will we all have it and get better?

There is guilt about not being able to help my daughter with school or my toddler who screams for Mama. Guilt that I may be the weak link, the one who brought it into the home. Guilt that I am a burden of my family.

I ping pong through these emotions all day and all night. Today I have a fever and so the fear reignites. When will the other bad symptoms start? Will they or won't they? I have other questions. Why did it take me so long to find a place that could test me, 7 mos in?

Why isn't testing every other block by now? Why didn't anybody call me to tell me my results? Or what to do? Or what I should do for my family? Why so hard still to get tested, to get advice? So here I am w/ COVID. I don't know if I will get better in a few days, weeks, or months

I do not know if my children will get it and how it will affect them. I do not know what this means for us after the fact. Can we breathe easier? Must we still be scared? Now there are reports of reinfections by COVID. The uncertainty is the greatest agitator.

I guess we just wear masks, take it one day at a time, and accept the uncertainty.