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I've been a priest for 4 days and I have this thought: I wish I'd known sooner that preparing for this ministry is a gradual process of becoming one's truest self. The idea isn't that you drag yourself, broken and bleeding, towards an unattainable goal.
I wish I'd known, but I don't blame myself for not knowing. I didn't know I could be gentle with myself because I didn't think it was supposed to be a gentle process.
When formation is framed in terms of breaking, proving, and earning, there's no room for gentle grace. There's no room to know yourself gently loved and gently formed by God over a lifetime. There's no rest.
When I presided at the eucharist for the first time, I thought "Oh, here I am. This is me". I didn't earn my place at the altar. And I feel sad for Past Alice; she knew she wasn't worthy, but she thought worth could and must be earned.
