I& #39;ve been a priest for 4 days and I have this thought: I wish I& #39;d known sooner that preparing for this ministry is a gradual process of becoming one& #39;s truest self. The idea isn& #39;t that you drag yourself, broken and bleeding, towards an unattainable goal.

I wish I& #39;d known, but I don& #39;t blame myself for not knowing. I didn& #39;t know I could be gentle with myself because I didn& #39;t think it was supposed to be a gentle process.

When formation is framed in terms of breaking, proving, and earning, there& #39;s no room for gentle grace. There& #39;s no room to know yourself gently loved and gently formed by God over a lifetime. There& #39;s no rest.

When I presided at the eucharist for the first time, I thought "Oh, here I am. This is me". I didn& #39;t earn my place at the altar. And I feel sad for Past Alice; she knew she wasn& #39;t worthy, but she thought worth could and must be earned.