Okay so this is gonna be kind of a sad thread and it’s gonna be a pretty wild ride, so if you’re not into that then please ignore this.

Also, this thread does talk about me being transgender, so if you’re not into that either, please ignore.

So growing up, I’d always wanted children. At one point I’d even wanted ten. Being an adult has made me realize that I had no clue that I was criminally insane for want that many children, though much respect for those with large households, you guys are all troopers!

Since I was assigned make at birth, I was always told that I was going to grow up, marry a beautiful woman, and have my own little family. For some reason this little statement never really sat right with me and I had no clue as to why. I knew that I wanted kids.

I knew that I wanted to get married. I knew I wanted to have a nice job, and a nice house, and a white picket fence and everything that I was told I should have when I’m an adult.

Come middle school and I’ve started dating. Of course I identified as straight, so I dated girls.

At that same time I was starting to come into my own and I was realizing that I wasn’t just into girls. Soon enough I came out as bisexual. Freshman year comes and I’ve exclusively dated women at this point. Somehow, I still was able to come out (again) as pansexual.

Sophomore year comes and I feel as though I have no interest in women anymore, so I again came out as gay.

By this time I’ve felt super super weird, as if something still was missing. I still didn’t feel complete.

Just to note, I was not out to family at the time.

Everything is kind of the same until Senior year when I begin to come to the realization that I was wrong. I began to have an interest in girls again, as well as some trans and non binary people that I’d seen on the internet. This sounds super weird but I was 17 and dumb.

I knew I still preferred men over anyone else, but I was realizing that I was pansexual.

I didn’t want to come out again so I just kept it a secret and told everyone that I was a gay man. Even with this realization, though, I still felt that emptiness.

This was also the same time that a bunch of bills were being introduced here in the U.S. that were very exclusive of the LGBT+ community. More specifically, the trans community. One day in drama class, we were discussing these issues before rehearsal and I was visibly upset.

Everyone was asking my why I was so angry and at one point I just blurted out “Because this country is trying to get rid of people like me!” Of course pretty much everyone was confused, so when asked what I meant I said “This country wants trans people like me gone.”

That was the first time I had ever said aloud that I was trans. It was the first time I had ever felt whole. This was the day I, and everyone around me knew that I wasn’t just a gay man, but that I was a transgender woman.

The narrative that I had been fed my whole life, the one where I was going to have kids and a wife with a suburban house and a 9-5 job...

It was all making sense to me.

Halloween season is one of my favorite. All the ooky spooky decor, the makeup videos, and babies in tiny

Costumes. These little beings in little outfits that looked like pumpkins and animals and superheroes and doctors and princesses and...

My heart can’t take it. They’re so adorable! I kid you not (no pun intended) I get baby fever so bad around Halloween season! It’s bad!

I’ve gotten baby fever every year around Halloween since I was like 13/14.

But this story that’s already been written out for me doesn’t make sense and doesn’t align with what I want.

But that day that I admitted to myself that I was trans, it all clicked.

That story didn’t make sense to me and I never felt comfortable with it because I didn’t want to be a dad. I wanted to be a mom. That’s what I’ve always wanted, I just had to figure it out on my own.

But as we all know, trans women can’t carry children, which is what I wanted.

I wanted the full experience. I became envious of cisgender women who had breasts and a vagina and a period and the ability to carry children, but it was because that’s what I wanted.

And now, we’ve yet again come full circle: it’s now October, I still have baby fever.

Only difference now is that I’m sadder because now I know that there’s nothing I can do. There’s nothing I can do to fill the hole that lays within my heart. I still love Halloween, but it’s also a reminder to me that I can’t have what I truly want.

End of thread.