I recieved this comment and want to explain victim blaming, why it will never work, and how to avoid it, in full. Thank you to this thoughtful mum for allowing me to share this. [THREAD]

Disclaimer: this conversation will sound very binary. I apologise for this. It will also take the approach that the perpetrator is male as that's what the question expressed and according to research 90% of sexual violence against women is perpetrated by men.

Firstly: I’m not a mum. I can’t imagine how hard being a mum is but thankyou for wanting to navigate these sort of complex topics.

Secondly, whats happened here is you are fighting against changing your daughters behaviour because someone didn't educate their son about consent.

Asking your daughter to alter her clothes sends these messages:

“your body is inherently sexual so you should cover it” (it is not. It is sexualised without her consent)
"you're to blame for your own abuse” (she isn't. If a man's mugged do you blame his expensive suit?)

“men/boys can't control themselves and I, as your mum, won't try to change that, but instead will change you” (this takes an already low bar for men and pushes it into the GROUND.)

And finally, asking her to 'cover up' send this alarming message:

"Let's make sure if he has to choose he assaults/harasses the other girl” (this just transfers abuse. She is also someone's daughter)

Dangerous messaging, right? Does nothing to solve the issue but exacerbates it by removing accountability from the perp & puts it on victim.

When these signals are sent it just means, honestly, that if something does happen to her or a friend she won't come to you because she'll believe on some level that you'd think it was partly her fault. That makes her more unsafe. Women/girls don't speak up = perps not charged.

The harsh reality is: if someone wants to hurt her they will regardless of what she's wearing. In terms of upskirting - no they can't upskirt her if she's in trousers but they can grab her/touch her/hurt her. I believe if I hadn't been wearing a skirt the guys who upskirted me...

would have humiliated me some other way. They were on one. You'll never be able to FULLY control others behaviour with your daughter's clothing choices, but you CAN control how she feels about herself/her body, how honest she is with you, how she defends herself & if she reports.

The only way to progress culture is to:

start raising our sons right (discuss consent, deconstruct toxic masculinity, call out other men)
raise our daughters/femmes not to accept this behaviour, know their rights and speak out

That's it.

So, in place of changing her clothes, take actionable steps to help dismantle the culture that keeps her unsafe.

Do you know other mums with sons? Do you discuss misogyny and victim blaming? Read and recommend great books, TED talks, documentaries, podcasts.

Talk to your daughter honestly about how you're feeling but lead with the message of empowerment, consent, agency over her body and knowing her rights.

"I want you to dress how you want. I want you to know that your body is yours & you make all decisions about it. That in the same way a guy walks round topless in 20°c you should be able to wear a skirt & crop top & not be sexualised without your consent.
However, the truth is..

misogyny and sexual harassment is real and dangerous. 80% of women between 18-25 report experiencing it. As your mum I want to believe I can keep you safe all the time, every second, but I can't, because your out in the world and that world is sexist...

Although I'd never ask you to dress differently because that pushes the dangerous idea that assault is the victim fault, I will ask you to know your right and what you can do if anything happens to you or a friend:

recognise sexual harrassment can be anything from a co-worker being inappropriate, someone touching you on the tube, being videod or worse. Consent is everything. If you didn't agree/change your mind & something is happening, it's not okay. If it feels wrong or probs is.

If you guy friend ever say things to girls they would never say to a guy, yell at first, overtly sexualise them, are in appropriate, call them out. Surround yourself with guys who have your back and respect women not ones who make the world more unsafe for you.

Finally, if you're ever made to feel uncomfortable, unsafe, intimidated, sexualised, come and talk to me. It's never your fault and in the mean time, I'm going to be working on how I can learn more and push to make society safer for us all."

People for your daughter to follow on Instagram:
•Me lol @ginamartin
• @OurStreetsNow
• @girls.against
• @100WomenIKnow
• @_CheerUpLuv
• @i_weigh

Books to read:
•Fight like a girl - Clementine Ford
•Why we should all be feminists - Chimamanda Adichie Ngozi

Watch these two TED Talks with her: