so given the ongoing transphobia nightmare that is 2020, i want to talk about something i think of as the cis telephone effect. to encourage you to read this thread, at the end there will be a selection of photos i’ve taken of other people’s v excellent pets! please bear with me.

so: a few months ago i had a conversation about transition with a cis person in my life. she mentioned that sometimes her friends (all cis, largely upper middle class, white, and over 50) ask her weird questions about me and my husband, but that usually that stops after a while.

and then she said something i haven’t been able to stop thinking about since: “eventually they come around on it, more or less. i think people just need to see that transition doesn’t HAVE to ruin families, you know? that it can just be fine.”

now, obviously the idea that transition ruins families is false lol. it’s provably false; plenty of trans people w/ tolerant families exist, for whom transition is supported/celebrated/nbd. TRANSPHOBIA, on the other hand, ruins families all the time. every awful goddamn day.

if you know anything at all about trans life, you know saying “transition ruins families” is like saying “rain ruins cars.” like, are there circumstances where rain can cause a car some problems? sure. but generally something has to be pretty wrong with the car first.

the reason many trans people have fucked up family relationships is bc many families believe horrible transphobic stuff & refuse to treat their trans family members w/ basic decency & respect! that SUCKS, but transition is not to blame for that behavior. clearly, transphobia is.

however. i have realized, as i’ve turned this conversation i had over and over in my mind, that many cis people simply don’t know this, because many cis people don’t know or talk to or read about or engage with any content produced by trans people.

when you think about it, it makes sense: say a trans woman comes out, her parents are assholes about it, and she stops speaking to them. it’s the PARENTS who then talk to their cis friends about that; they blame her transition for THEIR bad behavior, say it ruined their family!

and if their cis friends don’t know any trans people, or even really know anything about trans people, it is hideously easy for them to believe this. these parents are their friends, right? that trust is already there, so what the parents say is what’s assumed to be true.

and bc everyone is so busy assuming that’s the truth — bc nobody is talking to the trans woman in question — nobody says “are you sure YOU weren’t assholes?” nobody says, “wait, how exactly did her transitioning ruin your family?” or even “hey, listen — is she all right?”

& over time, if this is your community, if all you know abt trans people comes from conversations like this, of course it‘s easy to fear & resent transition as some inexplicable family-ruining nightmare. that’s BS, bc transition is beautiful, but i can see how you’d get there.

this is the cis telephone effect. a cis person decides they know abt trans life; they talk to other cis people & spread the idea around. often the idea is just a lie! but bc cis people are talking to other cis people on trans issues they know nothing about, NOBODY POINTS THIS OUT

it doesn’t help that many of these cis folks have been playing telephone for years, absorbing all kinds of false, transphobic ideas. it doesn’t help that some of them do just hate trans people, in general, and this kind of thing gives them the opportunity to slander us.

things are likely going to get... worse. the validity of trans life is increasingly positioned as a topic that is up for debate; that is not good news for the trans community, or indeed for any community (because if they’ll come for any of us, they’ll come for all of us).

so decent cis folks! please! inform yourselves so you can open your mouths in these moments! inform yourselves so you can catch the cis ppl in your life passing along false, damaging shit about trans ppl & say something! i know it‘s uncomfortable but i beg you to do it anyway.

because, and this is the worst thing about the cis telephone effect: if you are a cis person & you just sit there in uncomfortable silence when other cis folks pass along misinformation about trans people? you are part of the problem. you are giving those lies your tacit support.

it’s not enough to just be uncomfortable when you’re in the presence of the cis telephone effect; it’s not enough to make a face & change the subject. you have to say something. you have to HANG UP THE PHONE. trans people usually don’t even get a CALL, so this is on you. please.

a final thought i’ve touched on before: in an example of the cis telephone effect, trans people are often said to be in an “echo chamber.” but we’ve ALL known/seen/spoken to/consumed media produced by cis folks; there are simply a lot more of you than us. there’s no avoiding it.

in contrast, as i mentioned above, many if not most cis people have never so much as talked to a trans person (knowingly, at least ), even on the issues that only really affect trans folks. so who is really in the echo chamber, do you think? it’s food for thought.

and now, as promised, here are four excellent pets that do not belong to me! charlie the naked cat, millie the pittie, queen ladydog the lady dog, and oscar the ambient fluff cloud thank you for your time, as do i

(lastly: still unemployed, still looking, it still blows, we’re all here in hell. if you want to throw me a tip on venmo @ dylanthyme or on my ko-fi linked below i’d appreciate it, but TRULY no worries if that’s not possible. thanks for reading! http://ko-fi.com/dylanthyme  )