After 6 months with no income or financial support from any government scheme, I am one of the people who fall through the cracks as a freelance consultant working mostly in the music, media and events industry. So last night I took the advice of @RishiSunak and decided (THREAD)

to look at the potential employment options I could pursue as advised by the government website following their 50 question assessment. So, for your enjoyment, here are the best of the bunch

Footballer. Perfect. I mean, I'm 39 now, but my first touch is still solid, even if I was never the quickest player. Apparently, some of these people 'represent their country at international level' so that could be good. Onto the next one

Comfortable speaking in front of large groups of people ?We've got the job for you - Bingo caller. Duck n dive, Brighton Line, droopy drawers, meal for two. I suppose I have got the Cockney rhyming slang so this could make sense, but what else have you got @RishiSunak .....

JOCKEY !!! I weigh about 100kgs, and yeah I'm competitive but I've never been on a fucking horse. Imagine it - "we go live to Lingfield, where Romano Sidoli makes his debut on a 10,000/1 outsider, could be worth a quid e/w" but early mornings...nah fuck that that

Is this Italian stereotyping for the aforementioned career in football ? No, no it's an actual suggestion to become a diver. Deep sea diver ? Nah, all the water types, canals, reservoirs, rivers. No international career though, so this isn't for me. What else you got .gov.uk

Now you're talking. Back to where it all began, behind the jump on the coffee machine. I did once win the 'best barista in Bluewater' in my late teenage years, so obviously use data and cross reference in this suggestions. It's good, but I want a new experience, next ....

Fuck that. No chance.

Eh ?!? I advise people on equipment they should hire, to build stuff. This is a reach, I can't change a plug, I've never done DIY, so I'm the last person you'd hire from. I literally used a knife to unscrew something the other day because I don't know where the screwdriver is

Ah, they've seen my school reports. They heard about that time I called out Bradley in the playground at Our Lady of Grace primary for calling my sister a spaghetti head. He soon regretted that. However, with maturity I've mellowed, I'm a lover, not a fighter

Now I think I have transferable skills, so this is interesting. Imagine it, me assessing the value of your collection. Surrealism, baroque, post-impressionism, your kids nursery scribbles, I can do it all. The whole lot, yours for a monkey, or nearest offer. Next ...

It's only 16 hours a week but the biggest issue is I can't even get my own kids to eat dinner, and my patience with them is limited. All the kids would be crying. "Mr Sidoli made us eat broccoli and then started swearing at us." Sacked in a week, guaranteed

Come on @RishiSunak, this is getting weird now. How specific is this one. I mean, I must be able to cope with the pies, mushy peas and saveloys as well. Don't limit me to just frying the fish. It's a waste of my talent, I need something with some range

Back at the reason this all started in the first place. The things I can actually do, but right now, because of the total abandonment of the creative sector, are dying day by day. I tried to make this a laugh, but it isn't, it's sad...

these suggestions are all 100% seriously put forward as alternative careers, that @RishiSunak thinks I should be trying to do instead of what I spent 20 years learning to become an expert in. If you made it this far, and need support or input on the last two, get in touch...

If however, you commission TV work, and fancy filming me trying each of these other options, I guarantee it will be a laugh. The series finale when I ride the winner in the Gold Cup is the fairytale story this government needs. See, I'm a content expert (RT if you laughed)

#SaveOurVenues #LetTheMusicPlay
#WeAreEvents #eventprofs #CancelTheCurfew