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tw // anxiety ?
whatever undiagnosed mental illness has been taking a shit in my brain the past 2 years has truly ramped up the past two weeks, so here are my thoughts on some of the more unexpected parts of mental illness. read this thread only if u r in the right headspace!
whatever undiagnosed mental illness has been taking a shit in my brain the past 2 years has truly ramped up the past two weeks, so here are my thoughts on some of the more unexpected parts of mental illness. read this thread only if u r in the right headspace!
anxiety is not just stress! it is being irritable, doubting myself and my relationships with other people, being on the verge of tears for literally no reason, having trouble sleeping, not being able to think clearly, etc. what's happening in my brain is a mindfuck on all levels!
it sucks because sometimes i don't know where my personality starts & the mental illness ends. i'll get irritable or i'll have uncontrollable doubts abt my friendships/romantic relationship, and then i can't tell what's a real feeling and what's anxiety, which is SO frustrating.
like, i tend to fear things i can't control, so sometimes i will get stuck in a pattern of constantly analyzing my interactions with my loved ones (like, "are we compatible? do i LOVE love them?"), and i hate this! it prevents me from living in the moment bc i'm always in my head
i just wish that any time i experienced an unseen symptom of mental illness like these thoughts tht i also got a nose bleed or something because then i would be sure of what's the mental illness and what isn't, and i'd be able to quickly realize when im slipping into bad thoughts
another unexpected thing is that my mental illness makes me feel so selfish. for example, i'll spend hours trying to pinpoint what exactly is wrong with my features like my face/body is a bad painting. i hate when this happens, i feel so shallow & ugly all at once
also, haha, my emotions literally feel out of my control sometimes. like i will be in class and suddenly be on the verge of tears for literally no reason, or ill be trying to have a serious convo w a loved one and ill have an uncontrollable crying meltdown
which makes me feel SO guilty because i don't want to manipulate my loved ones with tears at ALLL, i literally just can't control it sometimes. like, i had to leave class today to "get water" & i just cried in the mirror for a second for no discernable reason. so frustrating!
also, mental illnesses being unseen make it hard to think of symptoms AS symptoms. like i'll get mad at myself for struggling w things when other ppl do things so easily and have relationships so easily and sleep so easily and think so easily bc im like "what's wrong w me? :("
but the answer is literally, mental illness luv. anyway i have really been Going Through It & wanted to make this thread bc it's easy to suffer in silence & blame urself when it's not ur fault, but i think ppl w mental illnesses deserve credit for dealing w symptoms & living life
(this is not a cry for help i literally just wanted to publicly acknowledge that im proud of myself for dealing w a mental illness and going through college and making art at the same time. this shit is so hard sometimes, but i am determined to enjoy my life whenever i can.)
