I'm gonna introduce y'all the most useful model for understanding social interactions I've ever learned: push/pull.

it boils down to this: all conversations consist of "push" or "pull" interactions, where a push adds something to a convo and pull removes something

now, examples

an example of a push can be - sending a text, liking a tweet, asking a question, volunteering information, joining a convo, literally leaning in

pulls are a little more complex, but essentially - not replying, ignoring, avoiding a question, leaving a convo, leaning back

push/pull ultimately helps you identify who has the power in an exchange--typically, whoever is pulling has more power b/c the pusher wants something from the puller

this is VERY common in dating games, such as the accidentally-creepy pushy person and the avoidant pulling person

push/pull also has really simple rules depending on context: among friends everyone is often pushing--pulls are incidental to convo

to appear "cool" you pull more than you push
to appear "genuine" you push more than you pull
to appear "creepy" you push always, ignoring pulls

your boss may "pull" against you to appear higher status, as in refusing to give you too much credit, being curt, aloof, demanding, etc.

a potential date may "pull" against you with a challenge, genuine disagreement, not texting you back at all, etc.

pulls are a little more complicated though--I view pulls as subtractions that go beyond the baseline of the interaction. for example, if you're used to noticing someone liking ALL your posts in a conversation and they DON'T, you feel that--that's a pull

if you reply to a stranger, that's a push. if you expect a response and they don't, that's a pull

if you repeatedly reply to a stranger and they never reply, you're 100% push. they're 100% pull. it's time to give up the interaction b/c they're telling you they're uninterested

if YOU notice that no one ever interacts w/ your tweets, it COULD be that your conversational style is very pull-heavy--as in, even tho you tweet you hold back information, signals that you're willing to interact, etc.

socially clued-in people know this means they shouldn't push

you can push/pull various things--information, body language, questions, subtle bids, etc, where pulling is either declining to engage or being otherwise withholding

people's relationship push/pull styles also reflect their attachment styles--pushy = insecure & pull = avoidant

there are also fake pushes and fake pulls

a fake push is a bid that gets someone to waste their energy pushing back and then pulling, basically trolling

a fake pull wants to LOOK like a pull but it's a push, i.e. the difference between "I don't believe you" and "ok, prove it"

the former is a statement of disagreement that's less rude than a total pull (getting up and walking away), while the latter is actually still pushing by facilitating the conversation but trying to appear higher status by being demanding

but as any sub knows, a demand is a push

as you can see it can get somewhat layered depending but it's extremely useful for identifying the most important parts of a social game: who wants what, who has it, and who is playing keepaway?

then you can ask why and decide whether you want to push, pull, or REALLY pull.

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