Having been assessed as autistic recently and having reflected on it enough to feel comfortable to share, and hopefully bring a bit of awareness to autism, here...I'm going to do that thing...yes, a thread..

For a long while, I've suspected that I was autistic. But I was masking it well and seemed to function fine within society. So I thought.

As I grew to love the writing community I began to get invites to book launches and started to attend @SCBWI_BI events. But it was a struggle, physically. I would always be the first to leave. Not because I wanted to but because my senses would overload and I'd begin to shutdown.

It is why I had to leave early during your wonderful book launches @mkhanauthor @NizRite @HollyRivers_Lit .

And why I retreated to my room in the evenings during @BookBoundUK retreat . I was in pain for many reasons but consigned myself to being that weirdo and really wanted to join in with @lavendarlee123 @CaraLovelock1 @susankmann @LMMinns

So what does a shutdown look like. While I start to act odd. My facial expressions begin to strain as I force myself to look like I'm listening. But my hearing literally shuts down. I. Cannot. Hear. ANYTHING.

The lights and noises become too much to bear. So I stop talking and focus all my energy into social conformity. Smile, eye contact. But even that becomes too much. My head will look to the ground as I decide it's time to leave.

In that time I begin to make an assessment of the polite time to leave without being rude. This itself is exhausting as I try to be as subtle as possible. There comes a point where I'm so exhausted I no longer care if it looks rude I just need to leave.

Then when I have left I congratulate myself that I did it. I managed to attend something I really wanted to go to and really wanted to see the people I wanted to see and even met new people to boot! And this is enough for me. But then the processing begins.

The whole evening has been stored away for reflecting on. Did I say the right things? How can I improve next time? Who sensed my 'weirdness' but still accepted me for that? I love these people. They make these events worth it for me to do it all over again.

And like all my exposures into the world, I will end this early as even remembering the events causes anxiety in me as I recall the sresses involved. Whether I've made things clear or not I hope this is a small glimpse into what I've lived through my entire life.

Xx