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Following how everyone has been arguing about this whole hakuri advice issue, it’s evident that not all of us know the difference between being patient when people make day to day small mistakes and erasing our needs/self for other people. The latter leading to emotional abuse.
This is me sewing a thread on what emotional abuse is and what it looks like in a relationship.
Note: This applies to any form of relationship. Family, friends, business, spousal etc.
Note: This applies to any form of relationship. Family, friends, business, spousal etc.
Emotional abuse is any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth.
This is what emotional abuse might look like;
This is what emotional abuse might look like;
Invalidation - When someone tells you you’re too sensitive, dramatic or needy whenever you try to bring up an issue that bothered you, they are erasing your perspective and experience hence being emotionally abusive.
Boundary violations - When someone repeatedly violates your boundaries and cares less about how that affects you and your wellbeing, it is emotionally abusive.
Ghosting - when someone disappears with no explanation whatsoever to avoid conflict or to stay in control of the situation, they are being emotionally abusive.
Financial control - When someone withdraws financial support to control your behavior to suit whatever they want, they are emotionally abusive. Or when they want all financial decisions (which affects you too) to be made by them without any consideration for you.
Silent treatment-This is a tricky one because we grew up thinking this is normal but it is abusive. We might have done it, have it done to us or watch it being done to someone else. When someone refuses to communicate after conflicts in order to punish you, it is emotional abuse.
The slingshot - When you disagree with someone and they wait for a later date to punish you for what they perceived as a “slight”, it is emotionally abusive.
Withdrawal of affection - This is when someone withdraws their affection and love to control your behavior. This is highly unhealthy and emotionally abusive. Yet so many of us do this to one another.
Gaslighting - Gaslighting is when a person denies your feelings, reality& perspective and forces theirs on you. This makes you question what you experience and doubt your own self and reality essentially making you feel like it’s all on your head and you’re crazy. Highly abusive.
Blame shifting - When someone blames you for their abusive behavior and makes you the cause instead of owning up to their actions, they are emotionally abusive. It’s always something you did that made them act a certain way...
... It’s never because they have personal shortcomings they have to address. It’s you and the way you are that causes them to act a certain way all the time. This makes the victim take all the responsibility and blame themselves. It is emotionally abusive.
These are subtle signs that we don’t normally pay attention to because we as a society have normalized them. We grew up watching our parents do it to each other and maybe even towards us so we don’t see it as a big deal. But it is in fact emotionally abusive.
There are more obvious signs (which we are able to point out most of the times) like yelling, name calling, intimidation or coercive control, isolation, humiliation etc. These are equally important too.
Emotional abuse is very harmful & dangerous because it is not always obvious. We might go years without noticing what’s going on. People who suffer from it tend to have very low self esteem, show personality changes,& even have psychological illnesses like depression and anxiety.
They take so much emotional abuse that it becomes default for them to emotionally abuse and erase themselves too! Now you can see why being patient with just anything and everything is not healthy nor realistic for any human being.
Please read through and make sure you are not emotionally abusing the people around you. Your children, siblings, friends, coworkers, students, and most importantly your spouse. If you are, seek proper counsel on how to interact better with the people around you.
If you read through this thread and it hits a nerve and you feel like you’ve experienced this or are still experiencing this from someone you know, please reach out to mental health providers to help you navigate the situation and learn how to take your life back for you
