1/ A thread about "winning" over disease: In the conversation about Covid-19, we've often heard, "They've battled covid and won" or "they lost their battle with covid". In the past few days, it seems many seem to think "overcoming" disease is a matter of will or character.

2/My first husband died of an incurable &particularly aggressive and rare cancer at age 49. He was previously healthy and strong. He had zero pre-existing conditions. He did all he and the doctors knew to do but, in spite of his beat efforts, he did not "win" his battle w/cancer.

3/He did not die because he lacked some sort of moral courage or strength of will. He died because an incurable disease attacked his body, something he had no control over. Without treatment, he would have died in a few months. Instead, we had 17 months after diagnosis.

4/ As a loss survivor, it is deeply hurtful to see these types of comments made - attributing wellness or healing to inner strength - and likewise, attributing death and illness to weakness. This is painful and infuriating for me to read. I know I am not alone.

5/ As a therapist who specializes in grief, I will say it more bluntly: This is purely wishful and arrogant thinking. Do I WISH we could somehow overcome illness and death by the force of our will? By being good enough? By praying enough? I do. But these are falsehoods.

6/ Telling ourselves these lies is a way for us to maintain an illusion of control. So is the line, "Well, they were already older/sick, so they died of Covid." In other words, we try to reassure ourselves it cannot touch us because we are, in some way, BETTER. This is delusional

7/Many people have asked why my husband got cancer. We have no idea. The cancer he had was so rare that there is little research on it. But I can assure you he was a good man of faith who worked hard and, if he could have overcome it by sheer "fighting", he would have.

8/ Instead, our family faced the reality that over 215,000 other families are now facing - death is absolutely no respecter of persons and we do not have nearly as much control as we think we do. Our posture and attitude should be humility and compassion, empathy and caring.