One day Ted Cruz went deep sea fishing with his family when a Twitter notification dinged on his phone.

Trying to keep one hand on the fishing rod, he pulled his phone from his pocket. It slipped out of his fingers, bounced off the side of the boat, and flew towards the ocean surface.

Ted Cruz lurched forward, trying to catch his phone, and fell overboard. He wasn't wearing a lifejacket because the republican party believes affordable life-saving devices decrease their virility.

Ted Cruz sank to the bottom of the ocean, just like the sack full of baby seals and ball bearings he threw into a pond when he was 11 years old.

Davy Jones met him on the ocean floor.

"Arr," said the devil of the sea. "I'll turn you into the embodiment of all yer misdeeds and you'll serve me in death, fueled by the evil with which you lived your life."

A mighty demon clam rose up from the ocean floor and snapped shut around Ted Cruz. A putrid pearl formed around his body. Davy Jones forced open the shell and rolled the pearl out.

He smashed it open with a mighty hammer.

In the shards was Ted Cruz, unchanged.

Jones shrugged and released Ted Cruz. He washed up on shore three days later, the same man he was before, only everyone could now see the content of his character.

After losing the next election, he got a job on a local cable access show doing Simpsons impressions.

He lives in a basement apartment, living on generic cans of Manwich filling.

On rainy nights, you can still hear his electric can opener whirling.