I was a labbie and then a teacher at the college I went to. I always tried to be the kind of teacher I wanted. Admittedly this was not the same kind of teacher most of my students wanted. Evident from bad reviews, and threats of violence.

1/x

FTR: This meant trying to engage students and get them to learn something new with every lesson/lab activity. To hold them to realistic real-world standards. Tests/lessons should be challenging, but not impossible. And A's only given to those who put in effort/excelled

2/x

In the end, I had to leave that job because the administration wouldn't back me trying to give good students the education they deserved and paid for. I kept trying and was told, "Just pass everyone. They paid." This is what students and administration wanted, but not me.

3/x

When it comes to relationships and friendships, I have similar struggles. Does this person want me to push harder or back off? Are they withdrawing but really want someone to try?

4/x

Often times I find myself pulling away but deep down really hope someone will push past my walls. Is that what they want? Is that what I'm supposed to do? Or should I take them at their word/actions? I know what sort of friend *I* would want, but is that what they want?

5/x

Friends often come to me for advice or answers. Sometimes for deeper subjects. Sometimes just "Phan would know this... I'll ask him." Not totally sure why they assume I would know some things, but it is what it is. I'll help if I can. It's what I do.

6/x

When I don't have answers, I feel guilty. Like I've failed. Even when it's things there was no good answer for or no reasonable expectation that I *could* answer or help.

So not knowing the correct course of action when I see a friend hurting or pulling away? It eats at me.

7/x

I want to help. I want to fix it. I feel a need to fix it, or at least help. But I don't know how. I think I know what *I* would want, but they're not me. And I've definitely gotten this wrong in the past, with disastrous results.

8/x

Do I push? Will they get angry and pull further away? Do I back off and do what part of me sometimes resents others for? What if they pull away to the point of disconnection entirely?

9/x

Not getting this right was a big factor in my marriage failing. I didn't know what they needed and I got it wrong because I did what had worked for me. That eats at me. My failure. If I had been a better partner or a better friend - maybe we wouldn't be here.

10/x

I don't want to fuck up like that again. I've lost too many people and ruined too many relationships getting it wrong. Not sure what to do, but I need to keep trying to get it right. That's what friends do.

#rideordieornotatall

11/11