Your "resilient" friends are just traumatized people who learned to self soothe because they were convinced no one else would want to put up with their bullshit.

I'm doing fine, and honestly I'm glad I developed the skill set — I'm way happier now than when I was desperately seeking solace from other people — but so many of your "You're so strong, I could never be as strong as you" compliments just leave a taste of ash in my mouth.

If I had to wager a guess, I'd say that having undiagnosed OCD as a child meant that my emotions felt chaotic and unmanageable in a way that made me internalize that I was a "problem" and one that no one wanted to deal with (which, I mean, that message was conveyed many times!).

And my initial coping mechanism was to just bifurcate into two people: the steely, resilient HBIC who didn't need anything from anyone and the fragile mess with anger issues.

I used to think that real love was people embracing the fragile mess with anger issues when she came out

And so it was really painful when, inevitably, people would *hate* that side of me and punish me for revealing her, because it made me feel like I was never allowed to ask for support — because this was the only way I knew how to even show weakness.

(Not to mention that the rare times that people *did* embrace or at least tolerate that side of me, the relationship was ultimately a really toxic and unhealthy one)

Anyway. Getting my OCD dx helped me a lot, particularly because it finally allowed me to make sense of the chaotic swell of emotions that had been plaguing me since childhood, and carve it down into something more manageable.

But I still struggle a lot with the fact that I don't know how to ask for support and help in ways that feel healthy and manageable. I've never really developed the language to ask for support, I've just kinda... hit rock bottom and hoped it would arrive.

I'm trying tho

Well this blew up, hello to all my traumatized friends