A longterm effect of spending a life in positions talking to people about big subjects is you at some point become embarrassed you ever thought you had something really objective and definitive to say. I did ministry for years and no longer believe in god.

Was in bands and wrote songs About Topics, was in some form of ministry for a decade, graduated to doing art and games About Topics, still do, I've been wrong so many times which is bound to happen on a long enough timeline, or I now just sideye my stridence.

I still keep doing it bc it's all I know how to do and it's the only job I've ever been good at but I'm a lot more aware I guess, of my own frailties. Not even always being totally off-base, more like you realize you mispronounced someone's name for years, to their face.

I get just very embarrassed hearing myself talk too much these days, or about looking like I think I'm an authority or have anything brilliant or righteous to say. Hence a lot of deleted tweets, different writing, less resounding statements in general.

Downside is I fight a lot of lack of trust in myself, having been wrong about so many things in life. On the other hand the work itself I feel is improving. Being comfortable being tenuous. This is what also lead me away from god, which was one of the best things I ever did.

I don't talk about this kind of life and art stuff much on here because it feels indulgent and self important, and I used to do it all the time and I cringe at much of it. Mostly just here to goof and sometimes yell about something and say hello to friends.

When I left ministry someone I know was like oh ok I was maybe only still trying to hold onto my faith bc I looked at you and you seemed really sure and I trusted you, and now I feel more confirmed my instincts. that's a very very normal thing, and it makes me talk less now.

Anyway on here I come off as more solid than I am bc that's how tweets sound, my actual life and work is very different. Ask friends how often I caveat and second guess everything I say. Not out of insecurity, just out of awareness of being wrong, and of mispronouncing big ideas.

In previous years this would have been a blog post.