God damn there’s some times when i try to confront my emotions and I just breakdown and I know it’s cause of my PTSD but still if I’m happy about something small and I say to myself “I’m happy” I shouldn’t have an emotional breakdown like it’s just fucked up

And the problem isn’t that I’m happy or anything cause I don’t hate myself for enjoying things but when I decide to go deeper than like a surface level understanding of how I feel I just get really depressed but like a dangerous energetic depression that makes me feel crazy

If someone were to have seen in this moment, they would’ve seen me smile and pump my fist in the air, pause briefly, and then start shaking and sobbing, all within about 15 seconds.

Now I’m in a bit of a mood so I’m probably gonna find some sad stuff to indulge my melancholy. Also I finished hunter x hunter cause I finally downloaded crunchyroll after not knowing it was free

This feels like one of those thread I do ever so often that just rambles on and on and on so that’s what I’ll do. I haven’t been feeling well recently. I don’t want to concern anyone but my lungs hurt and I’ve been coughing up phlegm and it’s sorta hard to breath but...

It’s not anything I’m unfamiliar with. I got some vicks vapor rub today and the scent brought me back to sitting in a steamy bathroom wheezing and coughing and chicken and stars soup and playing poker in the kitchen with my dad while my nebulizer was going

When I was a kid I was miserable. I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was like 6 or 7 or maybe younger idk my memory is bad and I don’t wanna think about it. The point is I always wanted to be something else. When I was a kid I wanted to be older, and now that I’m older well shit.

I really don’t know if I’m happy with myself. I know I love myself but I don’t know if I like myself. Happiness always seemed like something I’ve been inching towards but now it feels like I’m inching away from it. Everyday comes with an assortment of random memories.

I try to savor each memory that passes thru cause my brain isn’t the best and I don’t wanna forget something like my grandpa bobs funny laugh or my greatnanas soft fragile skin when I hugged and kissed her. There’s already so much I don’t remember.

When a memory from my childhood comes by I always try to see if I can relive it. I wish so badly to be a kid again. Maybe one day if I try or think or concentrate or believe or whatever, but maybe one day I’ll be able to go back. I know I never will.

There’s something that’s been stuck with me and it sorta goes back to something I brought up early in this thread. Someone in HxH says something like “what do I want? I want what I cannot see” and that really is life isn’t it.

No matter how hard I tried when I was a kid I just couldn’t imagine how I’d be as an adult. Now as I’m getting older I can’t seem to remember all that much from when I was a kid. I talk about my memories a lot. I think my memories are the only things that are truly mine.

I don’t know how I want to die yet. I watched Spartacus recently and it’s just making me thing about death and glory and honor and what really matters in the end. I want to feel happy and loved when I go out if I can help it. I’ve been thinking of jumping off something tall.

The way that I see it is that the initial jump is easy, but the uncertainty of the moments while falling are what scares me. How much time will I really have on the way down? In my head it’s one of two options, it’s either super fast and if I land on my head pretty painless,

Or it’s either super slow and agonizing and each moment that is only a split second feels like years and by the time I’m about to hit the bottom I’ll regret it. Maybe I’ll try out skydiving one of these days. It’s not like I’m actively suicidal now though

I think being passively suicidal is alright for me cause I’m absolutely terrified by dying but I’m not scared of death i don’t think. Maybe I’ll contradict myself later on but I think I’m scared of dying but I’m not scared of being dead. Maybe that’s a language thing.

Technically we’re all dying, but there’s no inbetween state for life and death, it’s quite literally either life or death. Am I dying or am I living? Maybe that’s philosophical thing

A dead thing cannot be dying but a living thing must be alive. So which am I? I think I’m gonna start a long anime like case closed. Case closed is the first anime I remember watching cause it was on adult swim at like 2 AM when I was like 5 or 6 and I thought it was the coolest