TW: cancer, surgery, death

My dad has been dealing with cancer for over two years and today he's having major surgery to remove his bladder and probably colon, which hopefully will get rid of all the cancer. He's in his 70s now and the risk is ... High. [1/n]

Wife and I took kiddo up to see him -- possibly for the last time -- and I've been basically just going between numb and crying for the last few days. Now I'm home and he's in surgery and I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself. [2/n]

I want to just sleep, but that seems increasingly unlikely. I wish someone else was in crisis so I had to focus on helping them, because that's so much more natural to me. Ugh. This thread has no point, just ... Things suck right now, with a looming question mark. [3/n]

Over the next 12 hours of surgery and maybe the coming days, I'll know if the suck is going to go way down or if it's about to ramp up to levels I've never known. Either way, I'm sick of crying in random parking lots and I'm glad to be crying at home. [4/4]