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okay well since I am now cursed to think about that "you heard me while i was lying, why can't you hear me when i'm telling the truth" talk: modern au where xuexiao break up because xxc says something dismissive about xy's history of abuse, which doesn't sound that bad to him
xxc is a social worker working for like, an anti-trafficking ngo, who witness wild and horrendous cases of violence and abuse on the daily
xy is just some dude failing to live up to his potential because he's Lazy (he has undiagnosed and untreated cptsd and probably also a lot of other stuff but who's to say! because no one has ever framed it as anything other than You're Just Lazy to him)
xy has never told xxc what happened to his hand because he never leads with that, that's too sore and painful, he starts small at first
one day he finally works himself up to say "my foster father used to forget about me" thinking of the whole 15 years between the ages of 3 and 18
where he never knew where his next meal was coming from because sometimes they forgot to feed him, how he skipped school because no one would remember to drive him home and that's why he has no diploma, how once when he was 12 he went 3 weeks without hearing another human voice
xxc, meanwhile, is thinking about the woman they found that day who was so unspeakably roughed up that they couldn't even tell she was alive at first
and he knows. he knows!! that you can't compare abuse. but also. but also
and kind of off-handedly, because he's distracted and he's still thinking about work and xy has failed to do the dishes he said he would do AGAIN, he just goes, "well, that's not so bad, at least"
and there's this horrible beat of silence where xy thinks, oh I was right this was a mistake to bring up, and oh I was wrong he IS just like everyone else who didn't believe me, and oh so I AM just lazy, all three of those thoughts at the same time
xxc, who didn't think this was a particularly big deal, who doesn't realize he has just twisted a knife in an open wound, who didn't even know he was HOLDING a knife, keeps doing the dishes, his back turned
and then, like watching a trainwreck in slow motion, xy notices tears have begun falling down his face, his cheeks getting hot, his heart beating fast
and quieter than he has ever said this word he just says, "fuck." his voice breaks on it
and xxc doesn't turn around
because he's tired. and xy is always extra about small things. and this isn't a big deal! xxc would recognize a big deal, he's a Very Empathetic Person. so he doesn't turn around, he just keeps doing this fucking task that xy always says he'll fucking do and never fucking does
suddenly, xy is yelling. he doesn't know where it came from but it's pouring out of his chest:
"fuck you, xiao xingchen!" he yells, but it still mostly sounds like crying. like he's weak. "you never FUCKING listen to me."
"fuck you, xiao xingchen!" he yells, but it still mostly sounds like crying. like he's weak. "you never FUCKING listen to me."
and then he turns around and walks right out the door.
xxc takes a one second break from the dishes to sigh. but he starts doing them again, and he finishes them, and then he goes to bed without eating dinner (because xy always cooks dinner) and like, the bed is cold when he's alone and it sucks, but xy will be back tomorrow
xy ALWAYS comes back tomorrow. it's not a big deal
xy does not come back tomorrow
he doesn't come back the next day either
xxc has started to get worried. xxc doesn't think xy is about to get like, kidnapped by a nefarious evil stranger or murdered on a back street, he knows like basic crime statistics
but ODing in that same back street, alone, unnoticed? jumping off a bridge? randomly getting hit by a fucking truck? who knows. who knows! he could be DEAD
just when xxc, who hates cops even though (and actually, tbh, because) he works with cops regularly, is about to call the cops, he gets a text
it's not from xy
it's from xxc's most recent ex, sl, who like. okay. he DID dump sl for xy, that is technically what happened. but they're friends again, they talk all the time, they have a standing coffee date
and it just says, "he's here. just thought you should know he's not dead. i'm not getting involved, talk to him yourself."
see the worst thing is, when xy left, he realized: he doesn't even have any friends outside of this relationship anymore. everyone he knows was xxc's friend first. he's so fucking alone
so as he's walking down the street at night in october in a threadbare t-shirt, he's like, okay, would it suck less to stay with one of xxc's friends or to go sit in a 24-hour diner for the next 12 hours until the library opens so he can use a computer to look for a new place
he's on okay terms with aq, they're like, buddies even though she's xxc's work friend, they come from a similar place. maybe she would get it. she would probably ask a lot of questions, though
or... so, sl lives closer. but they DEFINITELY hate each other. xy trashed his relationship. xy is 100% the homewrecker here and he's not even sorry about it
xy and sl work out together all the time, NOT because xy likes to stare at sl's ass while he deadlifts, and NOT because sl always just Gets it when he's having an off day and doesn't try to talk about, but because... it's like, a rivalry thing!!! the hate strengthens the gains!!!
before he really decides either way, xy's feet have carried him to sl's apartment. it's not like, a thing, it doesn't mean anything, it's just reflex because he stops there so often on the way to the gym
he knocks on the door. it's 10 pm, but sl answers anyway. he's wearing a very tight back shirt over his stupid perfect pecs and flannel pants. there's some pretentious blues record on in his apartment and the light is warm and soft. he was probably in the middle of going to bed
xy fucking HATES him. looking at sl right now makes him just want to collapse and never move again
"can I... stay with you for a few days?" he says.
he hates when his voice goes all soft like that. he's not going to answer ANY FUCKING QUESTIONS and sl can just DEAL with it
he hates when his voice goes all soft like that. he's not going to answer ANY FUCKING QUESTIONS and sl can just DEAL with it
sl doesn't ask any questions. he just looks at xy for a long, long, moment, considering. and then he nods and opens the door all the way to let him in
another thing xy failed to consider, when he was allowing his feet to carry him here, like sl's apartment was magnetic fucking north, is that he has been to sl's apartment before. and sl lives in a studio with basically no furniture but a bed and a dining table with three chairs
this is moderately xy's fault: when he met them, xxc and sl were living together in the house where xy now lives (lived?) with xxc
but like, sl probably has an air mattress or something, or xy will sleep in the fucking bathtub, whatever, he just wants to. not be awake anymore. to not have to think about how he just wrecked his relationship, just like he wrecked sl and xxc's, just like he wrecks everything
inside the apartment, sl still doesn't ask. he looks xy up and down, in his t-shirt and jeans, with his tear-stained face. he pulls some sweatpants and a shirt out of the closet. the only thing he asks is, "you know where the bathroom is. do you want a shower?"
xy thinks about being naked for an extended amount of time while water touches him and thinks, hell the fuck no. so instead he just washes the tear tracks off his face and brushes his teeth with the spare toothbrush sl leaves out for him and puts on sl's soft, soft clothes
sl definitely does not have an air mattress
they climb into sl's bed together. the record ends. sl turns off the lights. the bed is so soft, and sl is so quiet and warm. it was VERY cold out, before
xy is, like, waiting for sl to ask or push or anything. he's waiting for the knife to twist, still. sl HATES him, like? of course this is going to hurt
but sl DOESN'T ask. he just lies there, taking slow, deep breaths. he's turned on his side, facing xy. it's dark, but xy can just barely make out the contours of his face.
sl is just. LOOKING at him. in silence. not asking anything
sl is just. LOOKING at him. in silence. not asking anything
and that's when xy starts to cry again
it's harder than last time. big sobs. like he's letting go, like he's safe. here in his fucking boyfriend's ex's bed
sl, who will only spot him on lifts where there's no chance of him touching anything but the bar if xy drops it because he hates touching people unexpectedly that much, wraps xy up in both of his arms and lets xy cry himself to sleep against his chest
the next day, sl still doesn't ask. and so, instead of going to the library to use a public computer, xy asks, "can I borrow your laptop while you're at work? to look for a new place?"
sl just says, "yeah. don't download any weird porn. I'll be back by 6."
xy sends four apartment viewing emails and then leaves sl's laptop open with a video called "PTERODACTYL FUCK" pulled up--streaming, not downloaded
he also raids sl's fridge to cook enough dinner for two. AND he does the dishes. because he can, and fuck you, xxc
by the time sl gets home from work, xy is still wearing his old clothes like pajamas, and he's putting two plates on the table, and he's playing a weird record with novelty songs about onions that sl forgot he got in a bargain bin one time, and he's not crying at all anymore
it kind of punches sl right in the heart. the way the neckline of that old shirt shows just the edge of xy's collarbone. the way coming home to this, the guy who broke up his five year relationship with xxc, feels more like home than xxc's did, at the end
and then he sees the fucking pterodactyl porn
and he doesn't laugh. but he smiles, which for sl is the equivalent of losing his entire shit. and xy smiles back at him, more tentative than he's ever seen xy be about a dumbass joke like that and he just? okay. he's fucked
that night, when they go to bed, xy gets right up in sl's arms immediately, just curls up right against him, and sl lets him. they don't, like, do anything. it just feels right: this is enough
on the second day, sl still doesn't ask what happened, but he does ask, "does he know where you are?"
and xy says, "no."
and xy says, "no."
xy, of course, does not have his phone. he doesn't have anything. he didn't do this on purpose, he didn't plan it at all
and it makes him really fucking sad to think about it, to think about how xxc didn't--and it makes him mad too. but he has enough distance now to remember he loves xxc, that xxc matters. so when sl asks if he should let xxc know that xy's okay, so xy doesn't have to, xy says yes
(it maybe gives sl just. a LITTLE bit of a vindictive thrill to send that text. to show that he's the one in the know this time. but he chooses to ignore that feeling)
xy, meanwhile, has started think about xxc just fucking IGNORING him again, while he--anyway, he's thinking about it for the first time since he left and now he's mostly really fucking MAD about it, like
he's trying to breathe or whatever but he can't stop drumming his stupid fingers on the table. and sl looks at his fingers drumming and his scrunched down eyebrows and says, "do you want to go to the gym when I get off work and hit the heavy bag for a while?"
and xy says, "yes I fucking absolutely do"
// brief break while I help my wife write a cover letter, be back in like an hour or two
I lied I'm coming back now she's busy on the phone
uhh twitter broke the thread a little so just in case: https://twitter.com/hisevilforest/status/1313185712867434497?s=20
