Thread by @SakuraOxygen, OH BOY IT’S THREAD TIME AGAIN, GRAB YOUR SPOOLS EVERYONE This time [...]

OH BOY IT’S THREAD TIME AGAIN, GRAB YOUR SPOOLS EVERYONE

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This time I’m talking about mistakes, acknowledging them, and change. So buckle up.

First, a disclaimer:
I am currently trying to change myself and it’s only been four days out. So while I haven’t fully gone through all that I want to change, some of what I say should still prove true and maybe even useful.

With that, let’s get into it.

So, change. It’s something we all do and must deal with at some point in our lives.
Otherwise we’d just remain really childish and immature husks.
For me, lots of the change I’m experiencing is coming from bigger events where I massively fucked up.

And this leads into my first point.
Mindset. More specifically the mindsets of others.
It’s all too easy to point at someone who fucked up horribly and go “LOOK AT THIS PERSON WHO I THINK WILL NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE THEY FUCKED UP DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER!”

Just because someone repeats it over and fucking over and fucking over again doesn’t mean they don’t want to change.
It could just be a big enough event hasn’t happened yet to make them see what they did wrong.

And sure. Some people truly never change.
But here’s the thing. You can’t decide who changes and who doesn’t. If someone fucked up with you so badly that you don’t even want to speak to them anymore, that’s your decision. But don’t for a second say they’ll never change.

My shitty, creepy, uncomfortable, and gross past is out there for those that want to find it. You might not need to look all that hard if you dig around.

But I own up to it all. Because what’s the alternative? Running away and putting your fingers in your fucking ears like nothing is wrong, that’s what.

And guess what? I did that. For years. Better part of a decade even.
I disagree with how past me handled all of this crap.
It’s why I prefer to own up to everything now and into the future because the alternative is more shitty.

And what spurred this change? Big events.
No, not small ones.
BIG ones. Like someone you know telling you straight up that what you did is so bad that unless you change and commit to it that authorities will be called kinda big events.

Everyone is different with change, mind you. Some don’t need big events to realize where they went wrong.

But I sure did. That, combined with losing my now ex team, losing more friends, getting sick, and everything falling around me put everything into perspective for me.

So when you see someone who keeps making stupid, creepy, weird, or any kind of repeated mistake, try to see if a big event is what they need to own up to their actions and grow.

Because for some, that’s exactly what they need.

I’ve pledged to myself to never make such stupid, fatal, weird, creepy mistakes ever again.
Because I need to grow and change as a person.
Some won’t believe me and that’s okay.
For some, I’d need to earn back trust in time, and that’s okay.

Others have already given me a second chance despite me having been given many many before...and to those that have, thank you for putting up with me when you don’t ever have to. Means a lot to me.

And as for the rest? They won’t ever come back into my life. And that’s okay too.
And then there’s the even smaller amount of people who don’t come back for a long time but suddenly do, and despite what happened, forgive. Like actually forgive. Those people too, also mean a lot.

My point here is that unless it’s beyond inexcusable, like actual pedophilia or murder, almost anything within reason and time can be washed away with improvement, growth and change.

It’s why I disagree with the mindset of “you’ll never change because you did X!” And X is honestly so fucking small compared to the bigger actions one can do that are truly inexcusable. You know the ones i am talking about. I won’t even care to bring them up here.

I’m 23 now. It’s time for me to just stop acting like a pathetic little bitch baby and woman up for once. And that includes owning up to all my actions. Past. Present. Future fuck ups.

I’ve been told in the past that “apologies don’t fix shit!”
And while that’s true (it’s actions of growth and change that do), I still would like to apologize to those that I have fucked up with, no matter when I did.

I sincerely regret all the actions I’ve done for the last decade or so of my life.
While those I have hurt may never see this message, it still brings me closure.
I see the weight of my actions now, more than ever.

And while I cannot ever take back what I’ve done period, the most I can do is demonstrate change and growth. And that’s what I aim to do. From four days, to the end of 2020, to forever until I no longer exist.

Let it be clear that I am not looking for pity. I’m simply emotional over what I’ve done. It’s time I stopped feeling so pathetic for running away from my problems. It’s time I sat here, taking it all in, and then work on growth.

The last few days have taught me so much, but i am not stupid enough to say “look at me! Totally changed in a few days! I’m better now!”
Because that’s bullshit. You know it. I know it. It’s why I make no promises, and hold no answers.

And so, I’m sorry. I have made my vow to never make stupid mistakes of all kinds ever again so long as they are things I can control.

I’m no longer being dramatic. I’m no longer being a whiny child. I’m no longer being an emotionless husk.

I’m an adult. It’s time I started fucking acting like one already.

One step at a time, as they say. For every step towards a better direction, you feel a lot better about the past and can safely let it go.

Notice how I didn’t once even bring up anything pertaining to myself here. Because that’s a tactic people use for pity and deflection. Something I used to do as well.

As for what I mean by “pertaining to myself”, I mean things like a problematic childhood for example. Not what I said earlier in the thread. That’s different.

As for other examples, you know the ones. I’d rather not bring them up, but I’m sure you’ve seen them.

People use them all the fucking time because they never accept responsibility and own up to jack shit.

And while I could sit here and dislike how long it took me to realize?
Better late, than never at all.

I implore you go and hold me accountable, just as I hold myself. I also implore you to hold yourselves accountable too.

Because when you hold yourself accountable for the things you’ve done, own up, and once you’ve actually grown?

The world gets a little bit brighter.

Again, my past is a very disgusting one. There’s a YouTube video about it from 2015 if you wish to have a look.
Hell, I can even give you a pointer to it if you would like.

Just search up an old username from my childhood on YouTube. “FadeTheHedgehog”.

Just keep in mind it is from 2015. And not 2020.

Could I ask the creator to delete it? Sure.

Am I going to? Fuck no.

Because I believe my past should be on record. Not as a weapon, but an archive of how shitty I used to be.

Asking for it to be deleted is childish. Asking for it to be deleted is to do the very thing past me would always do when called out. Run away like a little bitch.

I refuse to step as low as my past. That’s never an option.
Attempting to “fix” what cannot be fixed is also never an option.
What is, is the very thing I’m doing right now.
Owning up to all my actions. Accepting they were very foolish, dumb, and creepy.

And then, after apologizing to the people that may never even see it or even care...
Moving on slowly, holding myself accountable, and bettering myself.

Thank you for reading this entire thread.

I love you all, stay safe, wear a mask, and have a great rest of your day / night.

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