It took me years of therapy to realize that I was gaslighted by my mom since I was a kid. She has her own untreated mental illness and would insist that she never beat me despite the bruises and wounds. It led to me lying abt where I got hurt, bec she's my mom, she's always right https://twitter.com/chocodecoration/status/1312508383488958464

Even if I tried to talk to her abt it as an adult, she'd continue her spiel of "I never said/did that", "You're just insistent on making me look bad", "You're so ungrateful, you owe everything to me", "You're the one with mental illness, you must be making it up/you're confused"

Growing up I was told that other parents were wrong in treating their kids a certain way. If a parent cooks for their kid, they were spoiling them, that's why she never did that for me. A parent is "negligent" when they let their kids play outside, that's why I wasn't allowed

She insisted she was right about everything and I knew nothing, that she was the grownup and I was just a stupid kid. I internalized it to the point where even other people told me to seek help, I just thought my mom wasn't doing anything wrong

Even when I told her I was getting bullied in school, she would just tell me that I wasn't tough enough, and she would act disappointed because I didn't learn any strength from her, that it's my fault I got bullied because I didn't stand up for myself. I just wanted comfort jfc

Then she'll go and tell me she loves me too much, that's why she was doing all of these things, because I needed to be prepared for the world, because she didn't want me to get hurt. Gee thanks for hurting me before the world could

I've become such a pushover because of her gaslighting that I apologize even when I haven't done anything wrong. I'm so afraid of getting hurt that I turn all the blame on me before anyone else could, and I'd punish myself too much because that's just how it's "supposed" to be

Even in the littlest things I question myself: am I being too much or blowing things out of proportion? Do people really mean the things they say or are they just saying that so they could get something from me? If I'm really worthy and enough then why was I treated like dirt?

My therapist says living after realizing you were gaslighted is like learning how to change the way you walk. It takes so much time, so many baby steps, so many stumbles and shaky legs and even broken ankles that hold you back for a while. I hope I get past my past.