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I don’t know if anyone can relate to this but I constantly feel that people expect something of me and I don’t know why. I feel like if I don’t do something I have a history of doing people will dislike me. It’s a weird phenomena to me but I don’t understand it in any form.
And I feel as if I don’t deserve the friends I have. I’ve done so many things I see as demoralizing and uncalled for and have gone too far too many times. There are friends of mine that I love with all my heart that I feel I don’t deserve or dislike me for my actions.
Maybe it’s just because I look into things too much, but I can text a friend of mine and I’ll be left on open and I go through all these scenarios in my head, with every single one ending in me thinking I did something wrong. I’ll lay down in my bed at night and in the back of—
—my head I always have the thought of it I fucked up a relationship. I feel I focus too much on myself and mainly my public image because I feel people won’t like me for me. Even when friends think they know the real me, I always feel like I’m putting on a persona. I’m just lost.
Maybe I just need to see a therapist. But i always feel that even those I want to be connected with for most of life don’t truly know me. I can tell a friend about something I enjoy and if they don’t for some reason I feel as if I’ve done something wrong for liking it.
I’ve been an outcast for most of my life. I only started feeling like I belonged in a group freshman year of high school. Still, I feel my closest friends don’t feel the same way about me. My whole life revolves around these people yet it’s not the same on the other side.
That’s sounds very egotistical, I’m sorry. But I don’t know if I can have true friends until I learn to love myself and understand who I am. I’ve never seen myself in a positive light, so I have to work on that. I’ll probably delete this thread, was a waste of time anyways.
I doubt anyone will ever find this, but if you did, thank you for reading. I’m only 15 but I feel so lost in this massive world. Maybe that’s normal, but I just wanna be happy one day. I wanna have the courage to do things. I wanna feel loved. Thanks for listening. Good night.
