In the weeks leading up to the election, I am looking for ways to avoid the news and stay sane. And so I offer you: my one-tweet reviews of the new Rolling Stone top 500 albums. This thread will continue for as long as it takes.

"Hey asshole, didn't you already start one of these?" Yeah, but I had to delete them for professional reasons that I can't disclose. If you missed them, those tweets, which got up to like album #400 or so, were brilliant. Genius, really. Great works of literature forever lost.

Despite this modern-day burning of the Alexandria Library, I was prepared to start all over, but then the universe threw me a bone and RS released an updated list which appears to be very different from the 2013 version. And thank god, because that list was a melted dog turd.

Anyway, before we get into this, you might be wondering: "Why should I care what some middle-aged law dude thinks about these records? He even calls them 'records' instead of whatever they are called now." To this, I offer two responses:

1) Before I went to law school, I was a professional musician for a decade or so. I went to Guitar Institute in LA, taught guitar and vocals for national workshops, and played in bands all over the country. Really! Lots of people don't know this now, which is super weird to me

But that's a whole other thread about identity and I don't have the energy for all that. Anyway, I know *slightly* more than the average jagoff about production value and music theory and other things that probably inform my opinions in ways I don't fully even recognize

Will I use any of training or experience in these reviews? No, not consciously. I will just be shitting all over these albums for the most part. Including your favorites. You can cuss at me and I probably won't block you, but be advised: ALL of you will be mad at me at some point

And that brings me to reason #2 why you should care about my reviews: You shouldn't. At all. This is just a diversion. Don't forget to vote and shit, but by god, we need to yell at each other over something besides politics.

I will gladly be a lightning rod for your irrational hatred, or your irrational love for OBJECTIVELY TERRIBLE MUSIC, if it makes you feel better about the world, or at least think about something other than 2020 America. So let's get started.

SEE YOU TURDS I TOLD YOU https://twitter.com/BrigidKaelin/status/1312922600562143233?s=19

#500 Arcade Fire - Funeral

Boring as hell. Better than The Smiths though, which I expect to see in the top 100. Way worse than the Outkast album that was #500 on the last list. I can't think of a reason to listen to this more than once unless some carrots/sticks are involved.

#499 Rufus & Chaka Khan - Ask Rufus

This was one of many gaps in my education, like I feel like I should have heard it sometime in the last 43 years, but I haven't. Anyway, it's pretty good.

#498 - Suicide - Suicide

I guess the editors were trying to show off with this one. "Here's this underappreciated but influential 70s punk band." No, it's just annoying. The stuff that's supposed to be creepy is like listening to one of the space episodes of Ren & Stimpy.

#497 - The Indestructible Beat of Soweto

I was excited about this for a few minutes. But you know how when you eat something with the same mouthfeel for too long, you don't want anymore, even if the food tastes great? That's where I was with this one by track 5 or so.

#496 Shakira - Donde Estan Los Ladrones

Very generic 90s. Half the album could go right in the toilet and no one would ever miss it. My wife ruined it for me even further by saying she sounds like Celine Dion (she's 100% correct on this, give it a listen). Still, it's good.

#495 Boyz II Men - II

I was a teenager when this came out so I'm nostalgic about it because we heard a couple of these EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY, which I now realize wasn't so bad. Had I been born 10 years later, I'd probably be nostalgic for Arcade Fire and bleccchhh

#494 The Ronettes - Presenting the Fabulous Ronettes

File this under the rarely used category "Expected to Like It But Hated It." I didn't realize that Ronnie's voice is unlistenably flat on nearly all the tracks. Was actually pouring rubbing alcohol in my ear by the end.

#493 Marvin Gaye - Here, My Dear

Like if you programmed a computer to make a Marvin Gaye album. Which, look, that's still not bad. The fact that it's a poison pen letter to his ex-wife is weird, but on the plus side, Ronnie Spector isn't singing on it