Since it is also Domestic Violence Awareness month, let’s take this a step further and talk about how these expectations help to justify those who would abuse ADHD women. https://twitter.com/blkgirllostkeys/status/1312190401546051584

When you raise a person to believe they are entitled to things and they do not get them, not only do they become violent, they can always use you supposedly not holding up your end of the unwritten bargain to justify their violence.

I cannot tell you how many times I heard “well, he worked all day” as an excuse.

No one cared that I too had worked.

Going to a job does not purchase the right to abuse a partner.

It’s another clause, another loophole, another escape route that we have used to justify abuse against women. If you’re not capable of being a secretary and a maid, then you’re in breach of contract in society’s eyes. You must be punished.

Maybe not hit, but if they become angry enough to scream and threaten and completely dismantle your self esteem, then it is understandable because SURELY you couldn’t expect someone to be happy in this mess? Even if it is the mess they themselves have created.

I have myself experienced, and seen countless accounts of other ADHD women having experienced a level of unimaginable cruelty for no other reason than their homes weren’t up to the standards of someone, usually someone who didn’t even live in their homes.

And let’s talk about how often those people who felt justified in encouraging/enabling our abusers were women. Sisters-in-law , mothers-in-law, sure, but even our own sisters and our own mothers.

I cannot tell you how many times after receiving criticism and saying truthfully that he messed things up faster than I could clean them again while also fighting depression (depressed BECAUSE of the abuse) that I should “never let a man bring you so low. Just ignore him”.

Meanwhile everyone was consoling him because it was just SO difficult to live with a woman who wouldn’t clean up. A woman who was depressed. A woman who refused to perform her wifely duties because of the continual disrespect.

We are people. We are not services to be rendered.

And the worst part is how many of us genuinely believe we are deserving of this treatment because we’re not up to par. How many of us go to groups, and seminars, and buy books, and believe that if we can just FIX US then all these attacks will end.

You’re not broken, darling.

So to those of you who are in this absolute hell hole of shame, fear, and isolation, please know that you are loved, that you are valued, that no matter WHAT you have done or not done, no one has a right to hurt you. YES it is abuse even if they never lay a finger on you.

Please know that you can escape. Reach out to your local DV resources, here is a link to America’s National DV Violence hotline’s site, and if it is not safe to have on your browsing history, please view this photo for the hotline numbers themselves. https://www.thehotline.org/ 

If you are experiencing these things and you’re NOT a woman, the same applies. The use of women is because this is referring to the societal expectation placed upon women. Neither ADHD nor Abuse have a gender. If it applies to you and it is helpful, take it and welcome.