accidental rambling about aroace feels where I realize that I’m just a fucking cat:

tbh idk why y’all think aspecs are in any shape or form cishet... trying to figure how you feel about others and then realizing you’re just fine having friends for the rest of your life compared to all the constant yearning, even as young as childhood, around me is kinda stark.

the idea of kissing someone stresses me out. the idea of being touched stresses me out. the idea of even living with someone stresses me out. I don’t really want to chase after that. I’m not celibate and waiting for that feeling to lead me forth either. it’s not interesting.

like yeah, sure, I got trauma that makes intimacy the most terrifying thing in the world. but, I don’t need a romantic/sexual partner to heal me from that baggage. and it’s kind of ridiculous and a tad bit sexist to expect so out of me. I can heal and feel complete with friends.

I’m happy being held by someone who cares about me, not just a lover. I feel safe like that. and I also realized that when it comes to anything beyond friendship, I set up such awful expectations on myself to be perfect and not look out of place or ‘disturbed’. it sucks.

for me, having a partner I feel abnormally drawn to is more of a bonus than a need tbh. a bonus with a bunch of unresolved personal trauma issues that affect how I approach them. it doesn’t strike me as odd until I notice how everyone else behaves around me.

It seems really cold to look at it like that, I know it sounds like “I’ll drop you at the slightest hint of disinterest” but l don’t really know how to better explain this. and for the record, I think it rude to say that just because some are stimulated by more than sex/romance.

I look at non-aspec people, who just immediately *know* what they feel, what they want. everything always seems to go so fast with them. they always chase after it too. this intensity. affection. intimacy. there’s no doubt to have. it feels like a completely different world tbh.

idk how non-aspecs do it tbh. it feels exhausting. giving out so much of yourself like that over infatuation, sex, or romantic feelings. it feels overwhelming. the expectations feel stressful. I just want to lean on someone who accepts me as the mess that I am. that’s all.