*Poverty* The other day I sat down to write this status update and realised I was cold. I moved myself to the chair at the table in the window. I sit here when the kids are at school as the sun shines through and it warms me up. 1/

I romanticise it, imagine the glorious rays are warming me through, giving me some much needed vitamin D.... maybe I’m lying on a beach somewhere sipping a cocktail..... sometimes I imagine myself all cat like, spread out and relaxing in the warmth. 2/

The truth is I do this to save money. I do this to avoid putting the heating on, because I can’t afford my bills to go any higher than they already are. 3/

I couldn’t finish writing this status update the other day because I couldn’t deny the truth anymore... about why I sit in the window... that I sit there to keep warm... because I’m currently living in poverty. 4/

So my status update got put on hold, and I didn’t post here for a couple of days because I’ve had to think about that, and you know, it’s kinda fucking depressing. It’s not something one wants to openly share with the world. 5/

I haven’t had a proper income since I lost my job last year. I grew up in poverty, so I’m no stranger to it, but I’ve worked hard all my life and always managed to get by, until now.... well, I’m getting by, but it’s a daily struggle. 6/

It angers me when you see people on social media being all judgemental about single Mums and making up stories about all the money they have, it’s just not true. We don’t all have big TVs, smoke 20 fags a day, drink wine every night, have nights out, eat a constant supply of 7/

take aways and rock up to the school gates in our pjs before going to get our nails done.... and yes, I know not everyone thinks like that, but an awful lot of people do.... the way the media shows us single Mums is shocking, 8/

benefit scrounges, the lot of us... apparently!

So what does poverty look like?

Poverty is keeping a tea bag on a side plate and using it for a second cuppa tea, sometimes a third. 9/

Poverty is using half the recommended washing machine power so you can double up.

Poverty is not having a shoulder operation you should have had 6 months ago as it will leave you unable to drive for at least 12 weeks and you live a 45 minute walk from school and the 10/

supermarket and can’t afford taxi’s/buses and wouldn’t be able carry shopping anyway, and your kids are in three different schools, and you can’t pay for extra childcare, so you remain in constant pain.... 11/

maybe I’ll get the op in about two years time when the little one is older and the other two can take care of themselves.

Poverty is not replacing those few light bulbs that have blew because that saves electricity right? 12/

Poverty is washing your hair with soap.

Poverty is watering down cooking sauces and keeping half for the next day. A thinner sauce is fine yeah?

Poverty is going shopping after 5pm so you can buy reduced price food. 13/

Poverty is staying local with the kids, doing free activities.

Poverty is sewing holes in your socks because you can’t afford £2 for a pack of new ones.

Poverty is cutting your own hair. 14/

Poverty is buying the kids the cheapest school shoes cos you really can’t afford a fourth pair this year, and having to answer to the head teacher who asks you why your child has had the wrong shoes on for a week? ‘Because I don’t get my benefits for another week,’ isn’t 15/

the easiest answer to give in the school yard. Poverty is not having £1.40 spare to pay for parking at a hospital appointment, so you park a 20 minute walk away.

Poverty is telling lies to your kids, ‘the film you want to see at the cinema 16/

isn’t released for two more weeks,’ and they accept the answer even though they know their friends have already seen it. I have lovely kids!

Poverty is rationing, everything. 17/

Poverty is not applying for your child to go on the school trip as there’s no way you can afford it.

Poverty is getting a new washing machine on credit. Ironic I know!

Poverty is taking up the schools offer of not sending in a donation or bar of chocolate on non-uniform 18/

day. Poverty is buying cheap sanitary towels. No always in this house.

Poverty is needing therapy and your therapist telling you that you don’t have to pay right away and that you can pay as and when as she knows you need to be there, but knows you don’t have the means to be 19/

there. Poverty is sitting with your GP and declining the anti-depressants she’s trying to prescribe you because your depression is a reaction to your situation, not a state of mind.

And some people may argue we should do some of these things anyway, such as limit the 20/

resources we use.....

BUT, a lot of the time...

Poverty is also having limited choices....

Until recently, I’d not have dared to speak out about this so publicly, because...

Poverty is also shame AND poverty is also guilt... 21/

Poverty has made me feel, even though I’ve worked and lost my job, and became self employed and still work now, that I’m not good enough.... and even though my kids are healthy, loved and well looked after, it’s made me feel as though I’m failing them as their Mam..... 22/

BUT yesterday my beautiful, sweet and innocent kids were sitting chatting and Jacob said he was the most lucky boy in the world and I asked him why and he said, ‘because you’re my Mam,’ and it broke my heart because I want to give them the world....as every Mam does.... 23/

So I go without, all of the time. They get to do their football, most of their activities, they’re clothed, clean and well fed, but most importantly they are loved beyond measure.

I’ve not had a night out since last October, or maybe November. I 24/

I’ve not had much of anything for quite some time.... we went to Scotland for a week recently as I’d already booked that caravan when I was working, but we didn’t spend much there, and this year I doubt there’ll be any time away at all.... 25/

Being a Mum is hard, being a single mum who has lost her income and found herself on benefits is REALLY fucking hard!

We don’t get anywhere near as much to survive on as people think we do.... and I realise I haven’t let my kids 26/

down. but society has let me down. Every day is a struggle and everyday you choose between things you’d never usually think about..... should you run a bath, or get in the bath water after your kids? Put four scoops of pasta in to cook instead of five, as saving that extra 27/

scoop will count as an extra meal.

BUT poverty can also kiss my big fat arse...

Because poverty can also teach us things.... we learn resilience and enhanced compassion for others. We learn who our friends are, and what our true values 28/

are.....and we learn what and who is important in life....

So, poverty, you better watch out..... because once I pick myself up, I plan to drop kick you the fuck out of my life.

But for now.... 29/

Poverty is sitting in the window to keep warm in the sunshine.

That’s where you’ll find me.

P.S. if this has helped you in any way, then great. If this has offended you, I’m sorry. If you’re a nasty and want to 30/

lecture me on how we don’t have it so bad, etc. then please don’t, I won’t respond. Love to you all regardless

Oh, and poverty is sometimes staying under the duvet with a cuppa as it’s hard to face the world. Cheers 31/

P.S. I wrote this earlier in the year. Things have since improved slightly, but I recently had a set back which reminded me of this and how close I am to being right back there. We still live in poverty, but we have a home and it’s filled with love, so we’re luckier than some