going to deactivate for longer, i have decided.

i am in no state to be here, or stream, or even think about content creation right now.

my favorite thing to do in the entire world has been taken from me.

this is the worst i have felt in so long.

its so much more complicated than how I feel.

its finding out that some of my friends werent actually my friends.

its being constantly harassed in my dms.

its all these people assuming im a bad person in private towards dream, when every time we've dmed he has ignored me

its me doing literally everything i can to be the best person i can be, and still being treated like the bastard of the minecraft community.

its me trying my absolute best to keep charity at the heart of what i do, but it being seen as an excuse to be a bad person.

its me trying to be outspoken about social causes and issues that are important to me, or talking about my feelings, and it being reduced to me crying for attention.

its me just trying to be happy and being relentlessly bullied and reduced to nothing.

its me constantly seeing nothing but people who i look up to, who hate me, on my timeline, and being powerless to make it all just go away.

its me not being able to play my favorite game of all time without being sad anymore.

its me just wanting to go away and leave twitter and my dreams behind and to just do anything else.

its people assuming i havent tried to resolve things.

its people making things up about me and passing them off as truth.

its me literally never speaking about my feelings and when i do? relentless hatred.

i dont know what i want to do, or what i even can do anymore.

im just sad, and angry, and heartbroken, and just, fuck.

its the fact that the face of minecraft twitter sent a fucking hurricane my way knowing damn well what he was doing.

its the fact that i had just announced a massive charity month set to begin the day after this all happened.

its the fact that i am absolutely powerless

its the fact that by default im in the wrong because im the one who disagreed with dream.

its the fact that what i did is even being compared to what he did at all.

dream slept fine. i was consoling my mother who was freaked out by everything going on.

its the fact that everyone is telling me i shouldve kept things in dms with dream, without knowing that every time i have dmed him about something i've disagreed about i've been ignored or yelled at and expected to take it

its creators that you love being awful to me behind the scenes but me being afraid to talk about it because they have bigger numbers than me on the internet

its all of this doing nothing but fueling my desire to succeed, and work my heart out, and blow this community to pieces and change all of this awful, awful shit.

when i'm on top, mark my fucking words, things will be better. things will not be like this. this will not fly.