Trauma shit is so confusing. I either feel extremely upset whenever I notice even the slightest difference in myself or I don’t feel different at all and I feel weird like I’m not supposed to feel this okay and it should be affecting me forever but like I obvsly don’t want that?

And it’s honestly still hard to comprehend how bad what happened was? Like either it doesn’t really click for me and I’m like oh well lol who cares or I’m too overwhelmed to even conceptualise an identity of myself that includes it. And I feel a part of that has to do with

The sociology of trauma. Like I feel it stigmatises me in a way I feel doesn’t represent myself or my experience.& tbh I feel like that’s what’s caused a huuge portion of the suffering Not so much the experience but the *fact* that I had the experience and always will have had it

I just don’t wanna be identified by this ig. And sometimes I feel like I’m hoping for things that are impossible I really want to get to as close as possible to “this never happened” as possible even tho like obviously I can’t do that completely.

Can you really not go back to who you originally were even if that sense of self was already a reconstruction? Tbh I’m probably just not ready to accept this as part of my story, even in the most meaningless way possible

This some get good therapy work. Good job gang and by gang I mean me. (Saving this thread for my therapist when I eventually book an appointment)