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I don’t trust easily. Something I think I share with most trans people. So much betrayal, far more than the average betrayals the average cis person experiences.
Betrayed by family
Betrayed by friends
Betrayed by work
Betrayed by family
Betrayed by friends
Betrayed by work
I mean it all starts with betrayal, life does. You’re told—sold—all the ways the world is, and it doesn’t fit. And when you try to make it fit, you’re scolded, attacked, beaten, berated
Betrayed
You learn the biggest betrayal of all: there’s no such thing as unconditional love
Betrayed
You learn the biggest betrayal of all: there’s no such thing as unconditional love
It’s such a mindfuck, you learn to not trust yourself. You have to pretend, to try to figure out What.
The.
Fuck.
Everyone.
Wants.
From.
You.
’cause it sure as hell ain’t the real you, whatever that is. They don’t want THAT. Makes them uncomfortable! Can’t allow that!
The.
Fuck.
Everyone.
Wants.
From.
You.
’cause it sure as hell ain’t the real you, whatever that is. They don’t want THAT. Makes them uncomfortable! Can’t allow that!
And so it’s natural, not trusting anyone. And whenever you start to believe well maybe THIS person is ok
NOPE!
Gets you kinda low, I’m telling you
And you lose yourself in some pretty dark places asking yourself things like
Without trust, what’s the point anymore?
And then—
NOPE!
Gets you kinda low, I’m telling you
And you lose yourself in some pretty dark places asking yourself things like
Without trust, what’s the point anymore?
And then—
—you let it go
Let it all go, all those expectations, all those fucked up ways you twisted yourself into some THING hoping to please others
And you decide (tho maybe it doesn’t exactly feel like a choice)
I’m gonna live my life as me, whatever that is
And EVERYTHING CHANGES
Let it all go, all those expectations, all those fucked up ways you twisted yourself into some THING hoping to please others
And you decide (tho maybe it doesn’t exactly feel like a choice)
I’m gonna live my life as me, whatever that is
And EVERYTHING CHANGES
For me it was like suddenly the sun was shining for the first time. This huge shadowy burden lifted away
I was all giddy, my head was spinning and it kept spinning
And I started transition and was saddened and angered but not surprised when nearly everyone betrayed me
I was all giddy, my head was spinning and it kept spinning
And I started transition and was saddened and angered but not surprised when nearly everyone betrayed me
Missing my job ticked me off because they had policies that protected me, and my boss even said to my face, “No problem. I hope you weren’t expecting a different response.” I was, and it wasn’t long before the expected response happened. See how my lack of trust saved me? 
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I lost all of my “friends”
I guess all that pretending I did didn’t pay off after all
But I couldn’t blame them. They never knew ME, they knew HIM, some construct I’d encased myself in. It was a relief to let them and their hangups go
I guess all that pretending I did didn’t pay off after all
But I couldn’t blame them. They never knew ME, they knew HIM, some construct I’d encased myself in. It was a relief to let them and their hangups go
My new friends were different. We shared a common experience, an understanding, a fat dossier on how the world treats trans people
We could have nothing in common except that, but that was so much — everything when all we knew until then was betrayal
We could have nothing in common except that, but that was so much — everything when all we knew until then was betrayal
I’ve had to learn how to be open, how to live in my own skin, inhabit my life, be present
I trust some people now with my life
They’re all trans
And I trust them because I know they know what it means, I know they know me…as much as anyone can know anyone
I trust some people now with my life
They’re all trans
And I trust them because I know they know what it means, I know they know me…as much as anyone can know anyone
In nearly all of my day to day, I interact with cis people. Many I consider friends. I don’t talk about being trans, they never mention it, and if they did I’d talk with them about it, but life is easier that it never comes up
Because I don’t trust cis people
Because I don’t trust cis people
There’s no predicting how any will react. Many get upset that you “weren’t honest” … when what they’re really demanding is that you bow to them and seek absolution, you know for being trans and all
Others get weirded out
Most just ghost you
There’s a reason for that
Others get weirded out
Most just ghost you
There’s a reason for that
Cis people have no fucking clue about gender. Most of them haven’t even thought about their sexuality, not much. Out and out transphobes are the most obvious of these, but even “allies” don’t really have much more than a slogan-deep pop concept of what gender identity is
So I’m cagey, very very slow to trust anyone
I tend to see only good in people. It’s my own damage that hinders me. I wish I could be confident. I wish I could feel a real community I could lean on, turn to when I’m low. I don’t. But I do have my very few friends
I tend to see only good in people. It’s my own damage that hinders me. I wish I could be confident. I wish I could feel a real community I could lean on, turn to when I’m low. I don’t. But I do have my very few friends
We’re all the same in that way, me and my few friends. We don’t trust easily. But I love them, and sometimes I even think they love me
In this hostile world, that means everything
In this hostile world, that means everything
Reading back I see gaps in this thread, logic leaps, sorry about that. It’s only been 19 years, my head is still spinning and I can’t see very clearly anymore into that monstrous blob of pain that swallowed life before. Life is life now and I love it
