Ok, can I tell you all a tale? Because I think I’m being harassed with Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 DVDs that keep getting left on my porch, and it’s been going on for 6 MONTHS.

Let me explain: back in like, April? May? I found a copy of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 (here onwards called TBDP2) in my mailbox. I live in a converted house with a shared mailbox so like, probably a neighbours, whatever.

It’s in there for a few weeks, only to one day be joined by a second TBDP2 DVD. At this point, I notice that both of them have return receipts stuck to them saying they’re broken. Weird, but whatever.

Here’s where things start to ramp up: July 16th, I go into the backyard (that only we use) and see a TBDP2 on our picnic table. I… assume? it’s one of the mailbox ones, so I go to return it up front but… no, it’s a 3rd one.

I leave them all in the mailbox, go away to a cottage for a few days, and come home to find not only the 3 DVDs from the mailbox in the front (shared) hall, but a FOURTH one, all in a neat little pile on the stairs.

Note: I assume one of my neighbours brought them in because they were clogging up the mailbox, but whatever, the vampires had now been invited inside.

So time passes, 4 DVDs sit on the stairs, when on July 31st, DVD number 5 appears.

Is there respite? No, Andy checks the mail that day and finds TBDP2 DVD number 6 in there.

THE NEXT DAY, I go outside to sit in the backyard and try to open the umbrella on the picnic table, but it’s jammed. I stick my head under to see what’s wrong and I find… a copy of TBDP2 crammed in there.

August 4th, DVD number 8 appears outside on the front step.

Then, a slight lull. Maybe they’re out of DVDs. Maybe we can move on with our lives. The DVD stack on the stairs has now moved to the floor, with a note from Andy saying “DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE THESE TWILIGHT DVDS ARE COMING FROM?”

I thought there would be peace, but alas. August 19th, number 9 appears. I am aghast.

August 23rd is when it gets… weirder. Andy returns home at around 8:30 PM that night and there are no DVDs to be found. I return home at around 12:30 AM and find this:

I should note here that almost all of the DVDs have return receipts on them. They were all returned to Walmart but… they were all returned in 2013. All of them.

They also weren’t returned to the same Walmart’s, nor are they all from Toronto. Once I start actually looking at the return slips, I realize they’re from all over Canada: Waterloo, Calgary, Parry Sound, just shitloads from Quebec.

Then we get to September 3rd, when the madness truly ramps up. I open the curtains one morning and find three DVDs in a stack on the ground.

Jokes on me though, because we didn’t get three DVDs, we got FIVE DVDS.

SO FOR THOSE KEEPING SCORE, WE’RE AT 15.

But it keeps going, because the only thing more persistent and bizarre than this news cycle is the constant flow of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 DVDs onto my patio.

September 12th, number 16 appears. I sigh and add it to the pile.

September 29th, Andy takes the dog outside in the morning and is cheerfully greeted by two DVDs just lounging on our front step.

Finally, September 30th, I find two more, putting us at an even 20.

Just kidding, there was another one in the mailbox, so we have 21. 21 fucking Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 DVDs in a pile in our front hall, from all over Canada, all returned to Walmart in 2013. Now they’re here. In my house.

Why? I don’t know. Who’s doing it? No idea. No one has come forward, there are no clues, and we get them in the middle of the night. But they’re here, living rent-free in my hall and in my brain, constantly calling out to me. Do I watch one? Do I dare risk it? I don’t know.

Maybe if I watch one it’ll break the curse, but I’m not sure. Either way, if you don’t hear from me again, just follow the trail of DVDs.

I honestly feel like I’m in the most bizarre episode of @ThisAmerLife where like, afterwards you’re just going, “Well, at least I’m not them!” Like Squirrel Cop.

P.S. if you like my real life nightmare, please listen to my fictional nightmare, a podcast about a house that is haunted by demons and blood cults instead of Twilight DVDs https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/parkdale-haunt/id1532573147

GUESS WHAT THERE ARE THREE MORE OF TODAY

Here’s the most unsettling part: we do know that they arrived between 1:30 and 5 AM. Who the fuck is walking around with three Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 DVDs at 3 AM?

If you’re curious, yes, these were all returned to Walmart in 2013 and today’s Walmart’s are: Party Sound, Bowmanville, and Abbotsford, BC.

I told my mom about the new DVDs and she was like, “you guys are gonna have to move.”

Guess who got 5 MORE TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PART 2 DVDS LAST NIGHT

Like I had to yell out, “We got 5 more!” Which is just… such a bizarre thing to shout at your partner in the context of Twilight DVDs

WELL THE MYSTERY HAS BEEN SOLVED

You miss one bad movie night and suddenly you’re the recipient of endless Twilight DVDs courtesy of @sigh__oh @dave__murray @r_droc @kevalopolis and @anthony_pereira for 6 MONTHS

THERE WAS SO MUCH SUBTERFUGE I FEEL LIKE I’VE BEEN KEYSER SÖZE’D

I walked out of my apartment today to find a package addressed to me, and believe me, when I opened it up and found a single broken Twilight DVD, I shrieked.

@dave__murray is living his best life

I have never felt more welcomed into a group of friends, nor more gaslit in the most harmless way (because I never found this creepy, I always found it incredibly funny, I did receive confirmation that they would’ve stopped immediately if I had been freaked out)

Anyway, WHAT A FUCKING RIDE, I’m ready to make a 6-part exploratory series into this.

But just remember all of those involved: I know where some of you live, and i can figure out the rest.

I will have…

(っ◔◡◔)っ My revenge