1/
You used to wear bow ties. That's what you told me. Elaborate and patterned--real ones, of course.

"None of that bullshit clip-on mess," you'd told me with a raspy laugh. I squinted one eye, twisted my mouth and did an inward chuckle.

2/
Since you could see that I was amused, you egged me on by raising one eyebrow.

Me: "I'll never see clip on bow ties the same ever again."
You: "SO gonna be judging them from here forward, right?"
Me: "Totally."

We both giggled.

3/
Even though you'd been dealing with a lot for the past few years, I could see beyond your cachectic frame & scary lab results. Your eyes never lost their boyish mischief.

Yup.

Morning rounds were all business. But I always looped back to you later.

And I'm so glad I did.

4/
You: "You know? I'm not like a lot of people, Like, I've never been really afraid of what I got. The chance of being sick isn't the part that bothered me. It's just the being sickly part. That's my only fear."
Me: "Wow.”

That's all I could think to say.

5/
You gave an exaggerated yawn.

You: "Being sick is tough. But being sickly is worse.”
Me: *listening*
You: “I can get through little bursts of sick. But being sickly? That’s my worst nightmare. I have shit I want to do."
Me: "Do you feel sickly?"

You changed the subject.

6/
You: "Yeah. I like to dress. I used to be strutting through the Lenox mall with a fresh cut mohawk! And my shit was FIRE, do you hear me?”

For some reason your liberal use of expletives made me smile. Now your eyes were dancing.

Me: "Wait--In Lenox Mall?"

7/
You: "Bay-baaaaaay! I used to be killing it. Paris Fashion Week ain’t have shit on me. I'm talking European cut suits with short ankles and polka dot socks. And I would just do the damn thang."
Me: “OMG. I love it. Do you have photos?"
You: "That was a while ago."

You sighed.

8/
We talked a little more. Some about your management but more about you and your life. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket twice and knew it was time to move on.

Me: "I have to go finish making my rounds. You need anything before I go?"

9/
You: "You know what? Yeah, I do."
Me: "Tell me."

You reached your thin, caramel-colored arm out toward my direction with your palm flat and open. Then you trained your eyes on mine.

“Hold my hand," you finally said.

10/
Without even flinching, that is exactly what I did. I hated that a purple latex glove separated our hands from actually touching. But you didn't seem to mind.

You: "Just hold my hand for a little bit, okay? It’ll help me feel like myself."

And not sickly.

11/
And so. While Judge Judy blared overhead on the wall mounted television and the soft voices of health care teams wafted in from outside of your room, we held hands in silence.

You glanced over at me and smiled. Then turned back to the TV.

And that was it.

12/
I stared at your profile. I imagined you as you would want me to see you.

Then, I saw it.

You. In a real bow tie adorned with fancy paisleys. A light blue, perfectly tailored seersucker suit with high water hems to show off your designer socks and wing tip shoes.

Yes.

13/
Your signature mohawk fresh from the barber shop. And that mall lobby clearing out to become your runway.

I even saw Anna Wintour and Victoria Beckham applauding you behind oversized shades with cameras flashing all around.

Yes. I saw it all.

And your shit was fire.

14/
A tear rolled down your cheek. But you never turned back to face me.

Your smiled & slipped your hand away. Then you told me you wanted to rest. I said OK.

After that I left your room.

Then I went to the nearest bathroom I could find and cried and cried.

#HumanismAlways