it's so weird, not having someone I like anymore. I used to be up at night, thinking about her, memories of us made me feel warm. but now, when I'm not sure she even wants to be my friend anymore, those memories kinda turned cold. I had so much hope pinned on her and now,

I tense up when I hear her name. the memories that used to keep me going have me wishing I could run and it's so weird seeing what I feared so much just,, happen. now I've gone and done it like I thought I would, and I've never felt more distant, yet I'm at peace. it's so odd.

the person I thought I'd spend part of my future with is now someone I avoid thinking about. I must've been wrapped up in the excitement, the joy that I felt was love, because I couldn't imagine myself NOT thinking of her. and yet, here I am, and she's hardly on my mind.

this thread probably seems to contradict that, but I only thought of her now. I remember talking to her about how big the universe was and how small we were, but that the idea of us felt enormous to me. I remember telling her everything and her acknowledging that I was getting

better, and yet the very reason she's not talking to me right now is because it's not enough. that was always my fear. not being enough. not smart enough or understanding enough, not brave enough or exciting enough. turns out I wasn't, and she was more than I needed. we weren't

a match, and we acknowledged that. and now that what I thought was worst case scenario is coming true, I feel better than ever. I feel so free and alive, I guess deep down I was planning to leave. I feel great, and I think I'm starting a new chapter in my life.

(this isn't a vent btw, just rambling to myself thinking I'm some kind of intellectual)