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In 2015 I reached a point where I didn't, I couldn't feel. I would smile, but it was kinda fake. I didn't have the energy to cry. I was tired of everything. I wanted to cease to exist. But even thinking about taking my life felt like climbing Mt Everest
I was lazier than normal. My SO had commented on my emotional state when we were in PR that winter. And I brushed him off and told him to shove it (like the loving wife that I am).
I'd witnessed depression on other people. Family, friends. I'd seen people cry desperately. I'd even had short bouts of depression earlier in my life.
But this time things were different. Life just didn't have any meaning. I wanted to just go poof (like I said, I wanted to be gone but even the thought of doing something felt like a ginormous chore)
I can't remember how I came across this, but Allie Brosh's strips on depression, on not feeling, were what brought everything into perspective. It may sound silly, but seeing how she couldn' feel, written in her funny style, just clicked.
There's Depression 1: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html?m=1 and Depression 2: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html?m=1
Part 2 was the part that was especially helpful and brought everything into focus. I remember walking into my boss' office, sitting down, and saying that in order to stay alive I needed to go on medical leave. Boss man was very supportive and understanding
It helps when others, especially those in positions of power, listen and just say: take care, we'll hold the fort down until you're back. I went on medical leave, joined an outpatient program, and took a deep look at my mental health
It was difficult because it was a lot of work. And I didn't feel ready, and I was in denial, even though I had an official diagnosis.
I had to learn to be kind to myself (still working on it), I had to learn to be patient (with myself and others), and I had to work really hard.
I call that outpatient program day camp. Because it was like a day camp from school or summer. It sucked. At one point I wanted to quit and try to deal with things on my own. But somehow, I talked myself into staying put, which was what I needed
because clearly I hadn't handled things well up until that point.
My students, coworkers, and bosses at work know about this. I'm not shy about it. Because if I hadn't taken a chance, who knows where I would be today.
It's also why I'm so passionate about mental health and wellbeing. Because there's still a stigma around it. We don't talk about it and when we do, we sometimes don't know how to approach things.
I'm no expert in mental health and wellbeing, but I do hope that by being honest and open about it, I can maybe help someone recognize their own symptoms and seek help. You all are amazing and valuable. And I am so happy to know you, whether in the flesh or just online
Mental illness, especially depression, distorts one's mind and one's ability to feel, to recognize pain, or to live with too much pain and to think there's no hope. Depression lies. Please seek help. You are important. You are worthy. You are needed.
