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In 2015 I reached a point where I didn& #39;t, I couldn& #39;t feel. I would smile, but it was kinda fake. I didn& #39;t have the energy to cry. I was tired of everything. I wanted to cease to exist. But even thinking about taking my life felt like climbing Mt Everest
I was lazier than normal. My SO had commented on my emotional state when we were in PR that winter. And I brushed him off and told him to shove it (like the loving wife that I am).
I& #39;d witnessed depression on other people. Family, friends. I& #39;d seen people cry desperately. I& #39;d even had short bouts of depression earlier in my life.
But this time things were different. Life just didn& #39;t have any meaning. I wanted to just go poof (like I said, I wanted to be gone but even the thought of doing something felt like a ginormous chore)
I can& #39;t remember how I came across this, but Allie Brosh& #39;s strips on depression, on not feeling, were what brought everything into perspective. It may sound silly, but seeing how she couldn& #39; feel, written in her funny style, just clicked.
There& #39;s Depression 1: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html?m=1">https://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/a... and Depression 2: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html?m=1">https://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/d...
Part 2 was the part that was especially helpful and brought everything into focus. I remember walking into my boss& #39; office, sitting down, and saying that in order to stay alive I needed to go on medical leave. Boss man was very supportive and understanding
It helps when others, especially those in positions of power, listen and just say: take care, we& #39;ll hold the fort down until you& #39;re back. I went on medical leave, joined an outpatient program, and took a deep look at my mental health
It was difficult because it was a lot of work. And I didn& #39;t feel ready, and I was in denial, even though I had an official diagnosis.
I had to learn to be kind to myself (still working on it), I had to learn to be patient (with myself and others), and I had to work really hard.
I call that outpatient program day camp. Because it was like a day camp from school or summer. It sucked. At one point I wanted to quit and try to deal with things on my own. But somehow, I talked myself into staying put, which was what I needed
because clearly I hadn& #39;t handled things well up until that point.
My students, coworkers, and bosses at work know about this. I& #39;m not shy about it. Because if I hadn& #39;t taken a chance, who knows where I would be today.
It& #39;s also why I& #39;m so passionate about mental health and wellbeing. Because there& #39;s still a stigma around it. We don& #39;t talk about it and when we do, we sometimes don& #39;t know how to approach things.
I& #39;m no expert in mental health and wellbeing, but I do hope that by being honest and open about it, I can maybe help someone recognize their own symptoms and seek help. You all are amazing and valuable. And I am so happy to know you, whether in the flesh or just online
