I’ve been left alone for the evening so I will now be ranking all of my children from most to least hated:

At the bottom of the list, Melvin. Screams constantly, obsessed with water, sees ghosts and reacts by running over my body while I try to sleep. He’s so horny I’ve caught him kitty jerking off on the dog beds. Positive attributes: very smol

Second to the bottom, Boston. I got this dog out of a misplaced sense of duty to help a homeless pet. He has severe anxiety, is totally blind, and is terrified of rain. Actively depressed unless he is being held like a baby. Positive attributes: beautiful smile

Second best: Tuna dog. Adopted this dog by accident 8 years ago. She’s perfect in every way and extremely vicious and old. Negative attributes: pisses on the bathroom floor every day immediately after going for a walk

Least worst child: Little Pigeon. She stopped being little about 1 month after being spayed when she became extremely large pigeon. Rules the house with an iron fist, loves tortilla chips. Negative attributes: extremely diseased, has nearly died 3 times at great expense to me

Honorable mention: all of my plants, who are completely silent and have never once pissed on my favorite rug