I just got all my divorce paperwork in the mail and it came with an post it note from my lawyer “there’s a note from the judge, he thought it was weird that you only took the toaster and no money.”

If I ever write a memoir I’ll have a chapter on how much I love this toaster

*i won’t ever write a memoir you’ll just have to trust me the toaster is bomb

It’s this beauty

* a post it note. One day I will stop writing tweets with typos but today is clearly not that day

Leave the gun, take the cannoli amiright