#ExMusThoughts #personal 1/ I realized I've been treating job and internship hunting like I did with Isl*m as a teen. I was hazily aware of how horrible the q*ran and religious traditions can be, but felt powerless and avoided thinking about or educating myself about it.

2/ I've been engaging in the same behavior with finding an internship in my field, electrical engineering. I saw this article last night and it helped me put the pieces into place. https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2019/06/14/opinion/bluetooth-wireless-tracking-privacy.html

3/ The recent discussion on spotify employees against Rogan and the coinbase on their mission also made me think about ethics and working in tech. https://blog.coinbase.com/coinbase-is-a-mission-focused-company-af882df8804

3/ A lot of demand for my field is from the military-industrial complex in the US, or tech companies that engage in tactics that make me feel uncomfortable. On a personal level, I feel like my family expects me to get a stable, high-paying job+

4/ and if I let them know I am wary of working for the govt or at these big companies they'd think I'm crazy. And I feel like I owe them because they're paying for my education, which is so expensive in the US. Same with how I feel like I owe them belief (or pretend) in Islam.

5/ Finding a career and being exmus isn't a 1:1 situation, but the feeling of powerlessness and burden/fear of upsetting my parents is in both cases. I forget I can choose to be independent, and forge my own path.

6/ My low-self esteem make me self-sabotage and avoid thinking about these things. I feel too stupid to truly grasp the meaning of the q*ran and Islam's political and social ramifications.

7/ My anxiety around school (knowing its importance for financial future) and self-sabotage through procrastination make me feel incapable. I feel like I'll never be smart enough or have a good understanding my class material and field to take charge of my own career.

8/ I don't put in the work to improve my professional resume so that limits my options and in my mind makes it feel like I'll have to work somewhere "evil" and so I avoid it more, and don't get experience. A negative feedback loop.

9/ A main concern in both cases is of course related to moving out and my mom's anxiety. I act like a child still because I don't know how to have hard conversations and engage with my family on a meaningful level. I feel like I've had to shy away from my own beliefs +

10/ and have given up on letting them be known. I feel self-conscious and weird around my family. The financial aspect and fear of poverty, seeing how my mom is dependent on my dad because her job doesn't pay much is present in both being ExMus (having to drop out) and +

11/ not getting a "high-paying" job in my field (fear of not being able to take care of myself and being financially dependent on parents again).

12/ But I CAN focus on building a career I can be proud of, like look for nonprofits or get experience to start one in the future. I can focus on finding people already doing these things and getting to know them and their work, tech twitter seems lively!

13/ I can also learn and read more about ethics and the history and current role of the US govt and tech companies in international politics. I could probably find people at my school already talking about these things too!

14/ Of course this thread must end on a depressing note, I'm procrastinating cramming for an exam I have in two hours. Even though this thread is valuable... BAD TIMING! I'll probably do okay.