I think I maybe figured something out yesterday. I wonder if I can articulate it.

bf and I have been fighting & then also sort of meta-fighting about how we are fighting and he alleged that he reacts better when I take a more femme approach to arguing, less masculine & lawyer-y

I got points for being able to code-match my lawyer Dad so I conceded right away that he had the right read on my approach and that it was safest for me growing up, even tho it lacks a sort of emotional honesty - the whole game was to articulate my exp w/o expressing my feelings

bc it was such a necessary skill as a child tho, I had a really hard time believing my boyfriend when he said he prefers fighting a more feminine side of my personality

I associate more feminine expressions of anger with losing control, that's the only way they came up as a kid

my masc conflict style is v articulate, still, calm, exerts pressure wrt the agenda of the convo, not afraid to be sharp & intimidating but avoids shouting or name-calling or any other signs of "weakness" or signs of being emotionally distressed. all about self-defense & control

my femme conflict style is v different, almost clowny, sooo theatrical. my whole body is engaged, it's crystal clear how everything that is said lands with me, I scream and cry and jump up and down and swear and spit insult after insult. all about self-expression & vulnerability

bf was adamant re preferring the latter approach - he bristles at the dishonesty & condescension of the masc style and it brings out a vindictive & childish side of him. the femme approach might be over the top but it's honest & straight forward and it takes itself less seriously

because all of my childhood experiences have conditioned me to put the more masculine conflict style on a pedestal while disowning the femme conflict style as much as possible, it has been hard to try to reverse my wiring to respect bf's preferences. soooo much fear and distrust

but I was able to make progress w it by not doing the more masculine thing & then allowing the more feminine approach to happen instead & to my shock bf really does respond a lot better. when I show my true emotions, he softens & reaches out instead of backing up & shutting down.

I'm not suggesting either of these styles display any sort of mastery around conflict; what I am obviously trying to highlight is that our adult relationships are often distinct from our family dynamics in ways that are scary and difficult to realize, accept and accommodate

having resolved the meta-fight and committed to implementing that resolution, the object level fights are evoking way less adversarial tension. that I'm demonstrating care for his preferences makes space for him to reciprocate.

instead of taking a self-defensive, self-detached approach & valuing the agenda over the relationship, I'm taking a self-expressive, self-connected approach & valuing the relationship over the agenda & when mirrored by my bf there's a huge diff in how that plays out in conflicts

he says he really likes this thread and sees why my twitter followers appreciate the things I share here and that made me really happy to hear from him