I always used to beat myself up for being so fucked up for no good reason. No real childhood trauma, no alcoholic abusive parents, no drugs, no divorce. All really intact and wholesome, cute lil village, big but humble house, hardworking parents. It's me that's bad.

A friend of mine got pregnant semi-accidentally, in a relationship, kept the baby, I got to be the baby's godmother Only as I was involved with this new baby I realised something was off in my model of the world

She was mostly a happy baby, barely cried. When she cried, my friend would immediately feed her, change her diaper, hold her, check if she's too warm or cold, walk around with her in her arms to soothe her

And I was shocked

I was shocked because my initial thoughts were "That's so many diapers, surely you don't need to change them IMMEDIATELY" "You'll spoil the baby, she'll want too much attention" "You can't have EVERYTHING just handed to you, come on kid"

And seeing this baby, seeing their connection and love, I knew I was wrong and she was right. These were not opinions I had formed myself, they were the maternal strategies I adopted from my mom, when I had to pick up the slack of taking care of my siblings when I was 10

I never questioned her strategy of hoisting her responsibilities onto me, I never questioned the minimum effort parenting, I just tried to provide the very essentials. Change my sister's poopy diapers, pee is fine for a while. You just ate you can't be hungry. I'm busy

"I'm busy, I'm overworked, I'm ill, I'm sore, I'm tired from everyone keeping me up at night, I have priorities that are more important than your bodily needs, can't it wait, can't you figure it out on your own, you're a smart kid, oh you're so good at cooking on your own"

I thought it's normal to hear and see these sentiments in action. Even towards a baby. "There's some things more important than your basic comfort just beyond continued survival. Stay alive but everything else is extra, be grateful I care at all"

Seeing this baby being actually loved and cared for threw me down a cliff I didn't know I'd been clambering up all my life. I could have had this? This is allowed? Some people get this, unconditionally?? WTF I'm 20 and I never had this

I thought it's because I'm inherently bad and difficult, which means I need to always strive to be Good Good Good Perfect Nice Useful. Otherwise someone will "accidentally" forget me in a hot car or a -20C balcony or won't have the motivation to get me more food when we run out

My relationship with my mom has always been like this. I dare not rebel, anger her. I try to quietly fix things behind the scenes and be a nice Laura Ingalls character, mommy's little helper, take all the load off her so she can do things only she can do. And she never does.

She's always happy when I fail in life and fall into a NEET phase: More of me for her to use. More help around the house, where I do not live. More opportunities to monologue at me about stuff I don't want to hear, a free personal Uber service, my cooking skills

During one NEET phase I was staying at my parents' house, in my old bedroom that was overtaken by mom's hoarding. A cat jumped on a pile of boxes as I was napping, and the tower collapsed on me.

Mom was concerned about the items, not me. Broke my heart, made me furious

My very first memory, from when I was 2 or 3, is of my parents. We never had bedtimes. It was 11pm, there was a frightening movie on TV. We were watching it. I was scared, I wanted to sleep. I wanted mom or dad to put me to bed. They said I can get to my bed on my own

They were too engrossed in the movie. "Maybe during the next commercial break. Or go now if you're so sleepy, byeee!" Do I stay and suffer being tired and scared for longer, or do I go through this long dark hallway on my own, go sleep on my own?

I fully believe it was the conflict that kickstarted my consciousness. You don't need a conscious mind if you do not neat to reason through an impossible to intuit choice. This was an impossible choice, both options horrible to young me.

I made up my mind, got up from the arm of the armchair where I was sitting, stepped towards the hallway to my bedroom. I said I wanted someone to walk me there, it's dark, it's spooky. Dad laughed at me

It's just your own shadows, c'mon! Were you tired or not, go, lol

This sounds like a bad origin story. What am I, Batman?

Go into the shadows, Marras, if you want to rest and not be traumatized by horrible things over and over again, uselessly. Well, fuck you, I'll claim the whole dark side as my territory, my skills and vision are better utilised for my own good here.